ADHD Made Me Do It

Survive Life with Laughter

Surviving the Randomness

Who am I and why am I this way?

First and Foremost I am a Princess!! I grew up in a multi-racial family, dealing with a mental health disorder, racism and the uncommonly common childhood rebellious identity issues all wrapped up in what they call the miracle of childhood. There was so much wrapped up in my childhood…like being sent home from kindergarten for being dirty when really I just have a perma-tanned skin tone, or attending catholic school as a Muslim child. I started to explode outwards and the miracle was lost to what seemed a bit like evilacle, and adolescence was a book of jokes in itself. Of course resilience through childhood and adolescence certainly helped build a strong – stubborn bull-headed – foundation for my adulthood, neither miracle or evilacle but just plain crazyacle! There were random USA marriages and broken house purchases, arguments with a psychiatrist and a mini jail vacation

….all of these I will absolutely write about in more details as it helps explain who I am and I know you are super enticed!!

Despite popular belief, there are magical powers with most mental health “disorders” and I have harnessed the magical powers of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder for those that don’t know) This is my popular belief and I share it with everyone – even as the answer to the first question at my job interview after requesting the panel address me as Princess! Turns out it worked for me…they hired me and I’m still employed!! Of course there’s always that little catch of needing to know the trick of harnessing the positives and managing the negatives. Everyone knows the negative sides of mental illness – more so now that police are shooting people in the head on the regular and claiming they had mental health issues – but very few recognize the positive side effects that can include: creative talents and flutter dancing; abundant motivation to start and finish 5 projects at the same time; multi-tasking and multi-focusing to achieve those 5 project outcomes; high energy to start the flutter dance thru the office at 8:45am and continue throughout the day; optimistic risk taking (sadly this doesn’t actually mean the risk will always be for the better); and the most impeccable interpersonal communication skills. Recently a friend asked why I spend all my time working with youth and families and I said I wanted to spare them the misery of making the same mistakes I’ve made while teaching them some of the tricks I’ve learned. I’ve worked with many teenagers struggling to cope with their adolescence mixed with their psychiatric diagnoses and learning about their own special talents along the way. I too made this journey of struggle with ADHD for years, finally arriving at a destination of recognized talents and infinite potential. I have learned to harness these magical powers through self-reflection, an acknowledgement of what went wrong and what could be done differently to ensure a more positive outcome. As one of my Positive Affirmations states…there are no failures, I learn from everything I do….as a unique child of the universe!!

Why am I this way? Well I have recently moved back in with my mother who kicked my dad out of the house…straight from the hospital when he was just finished getting his shiny new pacemaker…after 40 odd years of marriage at her ripe age of 78 years old. This move has helped me a great deal to understand more about why I am little crazy. I didn‘t fall too far from my mother‘s apple tree!!

 

My Circle of Love

Tanya, I finally checked the mail today, and for you, I am stopping everything to write this post out! It is important, I’ve learned, to take and make time for loved ones…and yes Tanya you are like a sister to me too and you are a huge inspiration to me!   But as the older sister it is also important for me to point out that you have nothing to worry about….I will indeed grow old and grey with you and we will share many laughs and have many many more times of walking thru the streets singing out favourite Eagles song…so you can just “Take it Easy” and know that I love you! (and thank you ever so much for the beautiful gift of sisterly love)

So, we’ve all got that email about people coming into our lives for a reason or season or lifetime (If you haven’t, that’s mostly what the email says). I am blessed to have so many people around me here for the lifetime and not just the seasonal reason! I don’t actually have any sisters….I have one brother and we barely speak. But I do have many many sistas….loves like a sister but just from a different mister and even the odd bro in that way too! I couldn’t even begin to describe in words how I much I appreciate and respect and gain inspiration from all those I love around me…mostly because my face is a far better animated expressionist…also because I would never do all of them justice by merely mentioning the few reasons why I love them…but I’m gonna make some mentions anyways!

To my British sista, Vicky, who insists on looking for the actual fountain of “fizzy drinks” in the KFC fast food restaurant. Didn’t you notice when we walked into the store you didn’t pass by any massive stone fountains? I love you for your willingness to jog along with my crazy…and yes that is partly due to your having some crazy problems too! (nobody else would dress up in mom’s mumu and play Pow-Wow-Opoly) From that first night when you just needed somewhere to crash and I offered up my couch…which then became a room in my house…I don’t ever want you to leave and you are always welcome to my home whichever side of the ocean anytime…and yes you will have to work the sheep farm if you want to ride the zipline!

To my Irish sista, Cat, who isn’t actually Irish but it is where we met! Bless your soul patiently waiting for me at every airport security checkpoint on our way to Finland….that was a bit of racial profiling as you are the blonde haired and I am the brown skinned and you never got stopped once…even though you carry a bigger purse than me! You are a superstar and perhaps one of the few people that has not said anything against my “crazy wish” of going o’natural…well except to express the surprise that I am now the “health freak” friend (let‘s get back into our spa visit routine)…but don’t worry I won’t turn into the raw food thumper!

To my Office sistas, Alous and Acnarf and Singh Singh and Tesora and Nerak and Naej (for those of you wondering if those are real names, they are not but they are the terms of endearment I call my sistas). I know many of you thought how am I gonna get through the day being on…for you Naej it would be supervising….the team with this quackjob. Don’t I just grow on you? At first Alous was standoffish going on about her Orange status (that means aggressive in social service file language) and now Alous and I are doing chair hugs in the middle of the quad and breaking bread and tamarind shells. Acnarf always wanting me to stay away with my deer porn expressive story and now we always talking about the next kaboom over can of coconut water. Tesora you always keep me smiling while I am trying to keep you smiling and you know how to beat that hospital answering system…I know you still wondering where to get a hold of the stuff I’m on – sorry but no can tell until it’s legal. Singh Singh I can’t wait till you come back to sing me a song and get back on my life decisions panel, and don’t you worry I haven’t influenced Curious in any way. Nerak my old roomie how I have missed living with you and the venting we used to do, but im glad that we are just around the corner from each other and close enough to keep up regular visits. Then there’s Naej who just like me is full of expression and energy and plays along with my game of “chase you around the office”, she always has my back when I’m right and rarely tells me I’m not so right (it is a rare occasion but I can admit when I’m wrong). And Aloap, you deserve a mention here fore….I see you baby shakin that ass and I’m running down the hall now to slap it! And Naillig, you deserve much credit here fore it was your first diary gift encouraged me to start and keep up writing. And Arleen you deserve a shout out too…may not be in my office but certainly in my thoughts! And Alice, you started with me and trained with me and no longer work with me…but you are still hanging out with me and showing me the way of the fabulous herbal teas…so grateful!

To my office granny, you are super awesome, I’m gonna really miss you when you retire but glad you won’t be rushing into the sh@% show every morning especially after all that sex, don’t worry I have headed your advice and am on the path to being a true bitch that every man will love!

To my Office bros, Nyrad and Ffej and the used to be Ekul and Carpool boy, you guys are the bomb keeping my spirits up and making sure I remember that I am something special, even if it is special needs!

To my Office cousins….there are soo many of you to mention but know that I love you all too, I can’t wait for the next holiday and some laughable events….if I dress up in custom, will you come?

To my British Neices, Zobes and Shaz, oh how I miss you my precious pretties….can’t wait till we meet again and dance around the streets, the beach, the house and the back garden. Now hurry up and look into immigration details so when my new house is built you can come live with me…course that means you will be responsible for the cooking and the cleaning…but I will serenade you’ze with the latest greatest songs making my famous fishy face and wearing my potato moustache!

To my British Neice like, Holly, you are fantastic and have travelled such a long way on your journey of life…I am glad I was and am a part of your journey and hope to follow your blog one day!

To my second moms, Purnima and Barb, you are like family and been there for soo many days…and I have the utmost respect and appreciation for your mothering ways!

Most important is my own mom, Hakuna Mushka, who supports me every day in everyway. She didn’t really bat an eye when I told her about my big C problem, she simply used the stove to hold her up a minute and then said “don’t you think I think you’ll be dead tomorrow”. No mushka, I am not dying anytime soon and I say to you…thanks for all your love and support and ‘don’t think I think you are dying tomorrow either’!

Hugs and Kisses all around!!

 

Positively Charged

BA Masala and Masters of the Amanda…this post is for you’ze. I’ve included a pick of my office zoo for you BA…to show how it has grown over the years from those 3 animals we started with – still have the zebra and little puppy dog too!

updated_office_zoo[1]

So, again I’m saying please don’t be sad…consider the circumstances to be that I am totally happy! Don’t get me wrong here; I am not happy to have this uninvited greedy bastard invader feeding off my blood , but I take comfort in knowing that I will starve this greedy bastard invader to the point where the news will spread to all it’s kind that my body zone is no safe home!!

I know it’s a bit much to take in…and cancer isn’t my most jolly story…but really when have I ever had a story that wasn’t all involved and so much to digest – and that usually in the first 10 mins of the story but yet captivating enough to keep you interested!

So, why a post for you guys particularly, well I wanted to share some lovin’ and send a shout out…but also wanted to share with you – and the general public of the world – how I can be so sickeningly positive about myself! In my research of the best methods to starvation, I’ve learned that positive thinking and mental attitude will f@ck the cancerous shit right up!!

For the greater world, here is a few ways of how I have managed to remain so sickly positive – and it’s ok if you don’t believe in God…or call him/her by a different name like “higher being” or “Darwin‘s ape”. If you truly believe you are your own God…then you could thank yourself and credit yourself for your own karmic divine interventions – and blame yourself for your own bad luck!

My Positive Affirmations (some are courteous of Internet posts that left no names but here’s your credit if you wrote one…thanks for the thought)

  • I have faith I am exactly where I need to be!!
  • Today, I will not surrender to ignorance!!
  • God protects every day in every way! I am one with God and healed of all afflictions (this one I have said thru every test and scan)
  • I love myself for who I am. I am a natural leader and positive inspiration to others (yeppers here I am crediting myself)
  • I am a go getter and a go giver, everything I give to others is a gift to myself! The more I give, the more I get…and if I need a helping hand, then I lend a helping hand (yep this one is for Karma)
  • Humour and Joy contribute to my overall well-being. Wonderful things are happening in my life daily (daily I feel the greedy bastard waste away in starvation just that little bit)
  • God has blessed me with great talent and energy, and health and prosperity and I am always grateful in return. I AM A UNIQUE CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE
  • God always sees that financial arguments and application go in my favour and I reap the rewards (for those of you close to me, you know about my legal battle that will work out in my favour)
  • I will either find a way or make one, I am a lucky, happy, healthy and successful person!
  • I am surrounded by loving friends and family (yes that includes people outside my head)
  • I am open to receiving Love from the perfect man for me! I radiate beauty, charm and grace! (for those of you close again know of my dating struggle, for those that don’t know you will read all about it perhaps in a newly created page – and I am totally a glowing with my new healthy habits)
  • I am Divinely irresistible to my perfect mate NOW, my soul-mate is attracted to me and on the path towards me (again those dating struggles – so if you are him, don’t fight the divinity! If you think you know him, point him onto that right path!)

And thanks a bunch Masters of the Amanda..for showing me the art of mastering healthy work breaks at the healthy planet!!

 

Online..Offline…Cross the Line Dating

Is it sad that my mother signed up to an online dating site on my behalf, or just sad that she has had a better response and chatted up more men then I have my whole online dating career – which seems to have spanned over 10 years in 2 different countries! My office granny got me this amazing book – Why Men Love Bitches – and apparently my mother is the bigger bitch! I’ve read the book, oddly enough I do totally agree with everything in the book (I actually held out on sex and overly accommodating the last numpty I dated) I just seem to struggle with my ADHD’s need to be super sensitive, warm and fluffy and supportive to other people‘s needs..its why I succeed so well in my social services career!

Not only is my mom online dating for me, but it has gotten to the point where my office sistas decided to form a panel to make my life decisions – seems impulsive marriages and big purchases had them concerned!

So what causes this fine looking, highly intelligent, and super funny girl like me to require such assistance? Well, perhaps I need to be more arrogant…or just learn from my past dating misadventures! Not that I have had so many dating failures….and I’m not a total prude so I have had the odd one-night stand misadventure…but I‘ve learned that one-nighters don‘t lead into life longers for me!

I will let you in on some of my most memorable failing attempts at love…I won’t include the first marriage…or the epic failure of the relationship that led to the first impulsive marriage…that is definitely an entire post on it’s own (and perhaps a better lead into the post on the second impulsive marriage). I won’t include names here either, but rather just a brief description of how I see it went wrong…and the lessons I now know I should’ve learned (that hindsight can be a bigger bitch then karma sometimes)

Peterboroughie Air Cadety – Nice enough fella he was, wasn’t an online mistake but rather a trust an old friend mistake. He was my college roommate’s best friend brother and we only dated for less then 6 months in college. He broke up with me just after I drove him and his friends to the ripper bar for his birthday…I even stole my parents car to take him! Lesson learned: should’ve been more bitchy and said no!

Gumby the Electrician – Again this was not an online failure…but epic failure it was. I won’t claim myself to be holistically innocent…Gumby was actually married at the time we were dating…tho I didn’t know he was married when we first started dating. Clearly it ended…tho I did have an affair for some time before finally ending it. The many attempts I made to end it caused a stalker effect in him, he would show up and one time while I was on vacation got my landlord to let him in my apartment so he could wallpaper the whole place and leave me a 10 page love letter (yet still lived with his girlfriend wife apparently unhappily) The job in Ireland was a Godsent that made it easier to leave and get away from his stalkeringness! Lesson learned: Don’t get involved with the already involved…they don’t, won’t, and shouldn’t leave their wife…I don’t want to live with their cheating ass anyways!

English E-Harmony – I tried this e-harmony site, fore it made some wonderful promises, and I even paid the 3 month membership in British pounds. As you may know or heard, it has this whole personality, characteristic, and fancy shmancy testing assessment that it uses to match you with your harmonious dating partner. I’m pretty open minded…not particular to colour or culture or religion even. I just want someone kind, funny, respectably responsible, and taller then me (I’m 5’8” so I’d be looking for someone at least 5’10”). Never did get a tall match…and the one fella that said he was tall, turned out to be shorter then me and then accused me of lying on my profile cause I looked taller! Lesson Learned: Computers don’t make for good assessment matchmaking for harmonious dating!

Irish England PHD science teacher – He was a referral from a college professor I was working with…and he came highly recommended. The jist of this relationship was that, although this guy had his PHD and was a teacher, he was unable to drive himself anywhere or even manage his own monthly expenses, and tried to move into my apartment. He wouldn’t get the hint, even when one night he went to the pub with his friends and I locked the door, he banged and banged until he woke up the neighbours to let him back into my apartment. Lesson learned: University book smarts doesn’t translate into street smarts real life skills!

Schizophrenic Painter/Renovator – Now this fella had some fun about him…or perhaps better to say I made fun of him sometimes. This relationship was an online dating failure – I just can’t remember what site it was. I met him just after I bought my house in England and so I thought it was fate or meant to be…considering I was in need of some renovations in the house. He was really nice, except when we went out to dinner…he didn’t really like being outside with other people. He didn’t disclose that he had schziophrenia until 4 months into the relationship and I figured, with my own mental health issues, we could probably work through it. Lesson learned: When he won’t disclose issues at the beginning, it’s probably because he isn’t managing well with his issues and it is not something I should have to work through, work with, or work out for him!

Florida Scammer – This was yet another on-line dating attempt back in Canada! This time it was my mom who asked around and found this “Islamic online dating site”, she suggested I put my own profile and manage my own conversations. I thought can’t hurt to try, so I put on a picture, brief profile and started chatting up some fellas. Then, this one guy seemed on the ball, looked handsome, and said he was from the states but travelling. We exchanged emails for a bit, and he never asked for money, but never mentioned arranging any type of immediate contact (phone calls, meetings). Turns out he was married and not travelling, and not even honest about his name. Lesson learned: The religiously specific online dating sites have more of the scammer types trying to prey on the desperate…and be sure to get pictures, and immediate contact type before moving forward…and stay away from the foreigners!

Bigamist Dumbass – This guy deserves an entire post on his own, currently in the works! Briefly about his name…well he is a bigamist because he is my second impulsive marriage but he was already married at the time. He also threatened to take me to court…he knew I was putting together life stories for my own book and said he would sue me if I named him in my book…so I promised him I would call him dumbass! Lesson learned: So many lessons learned, but most important lesson is that I need to learn more control over my own impulses….keep on the look out for the whole story!

Head up his Ass Brat – Here was my final straw that broke the online dating camel’s back. This guy seemed the most promising, even my life-decisions panel was thrilled with the seemingly normalcy of this guy. He was tall, sense of humour, gave the impression of having a sense of responsibility – declared he was divorced but stated he still had good communication with his ex wife for the kids sake…oh yeah he had 2 kids. I had just finished reading the book from granny, and so, I was trying to be as bitchy as possible…even kicked him out of my bed during a make-out session because it was before 3 months (panel’s idea to wait out at least 3 months). Then, I couldn’t hold out anymore, and one month later he couldn’t hold on anymore. He seemed to be building on that good communication with his ex-wife…so good that she asked him to move back in with him! Now I don’t have an issue if they move back in with each other…makes it better for the family environment…I have an issue with his ignorance mistreating me right after I give him my flower (the cherry was given away a while back). 2 weeks after I made and gave him this giftSuperman Pillow

for father‘s day (such an awesome pillow gift even I was running through the office with it), and 1 week after he called me while shopping with his kids to thank me for being involved in his life and how much he appreciated me, he then stopped all communication with me. When I challenged on his ignorance towards me, he responded with “well I thought we were just friends hanging out…my ex-wife asked me to move in with her and no I won’t move in with her because I gave you an indication of my married life….I like you but I don’t know what else to say I just have my head up my ass”. We then exchanged personal items via plastic bags on his front porch mailbox and no he didn’t return the pillow! Lesson learned: I do not have any business trying online dating sites!

After all of these…and some of the stories I didn’t include, I have now deleted all online profiles that I set up myself…but my mother still has my profile that she is managing! I don’t need to be focused on searching, I have no other alternative but to believe whatever is meant to be will be!! Internet life is no replacement for real life!

My soul mate is on the real life pathway, and just around the corner, to meet me!!!

 

Who’s My God-dy?

If you recall the Positively Charged post, you’ll see that I am a firm believer in God, but not a judgmental thumping God believer. I like to think….as mostly every religion states….”The higher being is the only true judge of all our characters, beliefs, morals, and actions”! Sadly, it seems the most vocally religious types…leaders and fanatics…don’t seem to agree or share this way of life. I find most religious leaders and fanatics prey on the vulnerable, trying to sell themselves as messengers and messiahs offering the means to speak with your God and attain your inner most desires….similar to the preaching of politicians with as much selfish greediness and untrustworthiness! Don’t be fooled fore you can achieve your inner most desires and you can talk to your God anytime and anywhere you want to too!!

Now, don’t get me wrong here, I am the first person to put my hand up (say present) and believe that everyone should have faith, have that something/someone to believe in and look towards and to get you out of bed for….but I’m not the one to put my hand up disregarding, disrespecting, or disillusioning your faith!

So, how did I get so faithfully skeptical of manmade (interpreted) religion? Well, it’s a buildup of many years personal experience, some independent research beyond the religious blockbuster movies (I admit “Stigmata” was a good movie but “Man from Earth” was an awesome movie!), and several arguments with people of all religions. I find people from the 3 main religions – Islam, Christians, Jewish – are the most argumentative!

I was born to Muslim parents, but attended catholic schools for much of my elementary years. I was finally weirded out by the Priest that followed me to 3 different catholic schools, and yes I went to 3 different catholic schools as a Muslim child (I wouldn‘t be offended if that weirds you out!). I was only put into these schools as a matter of convenience; it turns out many people, including my parents, would justify not following certain religious requirements for matters of convenience.  I can’t really fault my mom for putting me in catholic school; it was due to racism in public school that required the convenient move. And to be honestly fair, I didn’t suffer any form of racism at the catholic school, nor did I get involved in the eating bread at Mass, nor play a role in the school-yard human rosary, nor go to the library booth “confessionals” (weirded out by that stalking priest)!

Anyways, along with going to catholic schools and attempting to read the bible (the only other time I tried to read the bible was my time in jail…and I still don’t understand most of it), I was also getting Islamic lesson lectures from my parents-mostly my dad. The lectures went something like:

“NO, you can’t wear that outfit because we are Muslim; NO, you can’t question what I say because we are Muslim; NO, you can’t go outside because we are Muslim, YES, you have to pray this way 5 times a day because we’re Muslim.”

Perhaps I would have seen some merit to the lesson lectures if I didn’t see my dad be so hypocritical with his own religious actions. He would spend hours drinking at the pub and the dining room table, and he would mix his backwards pakistani village culture with religion which prevented me (the daughter) from doing anything outside the kitchen.

I finally got rid of the priest, and eventually the lesson lectures (I found it was easier to run away and not live under the roof of the hypocritical rules), when I started public school in Scarborough – no chance of being sent home dirty this time round as most of the school was my colour “dirty”. Scarborough was very multi-cultural with people of every religion you can think of. All these different people with different beliefs gave me opportunity to sniff out trouble in true ADHD form.  I started to rebel against “man-made” religion – I wasn’t Catholic or Muslim at this point – but I still had my faithful belief in God. I firmly believe that God would have us ask questions, enlighten ourselves, and be informed about the decisions we make. I don’t think it’s fair or correct for religious leaders…the pastor, priests, rabbis, and imams…to say “you are questioning and will go to hell”.

Over the years, I have had some intense arguments with other people about religious cults, the true meaning of being non-judgmental, and how spirituality is incorporated into anyone’s religion. My most memorable arguments, again with valuable lessons learned:

The Faithful Wanderer – She was an old friend from when we first moved to Scarborough. She wandered thru faiths with every boyfriend and finally stumbled on Christianity, in the Bible Thumping way, with her husband (ex husband now as conveniently divorce wasn’t ok then but it is now). We’ve had so many arguments, which would usually end with me going to hell (her judgement of me for not believing Jesus is the son of god) or her inability to answer any religiously related questions (don’t ask her about lent because she didn’t read about it in scripture so its not her practice)! Lesson learned: Best to keep an open mind but hold strong to faith. Those that wander will judge you always with ignorance!

The Faithless Wander – She was an old college friend that lasted thru the early stages of our professional careers. We shared the lacking belief in man-made (interpreted) religion, and actively participated in drunk dancing and bong toking! I started to lose respect when she became a parent, she became most judgmental of everyone’s way of life if they didn’t agree with her trendy belief – she never really had time to educate herself on the basic understandings or principles of the new belief – usually she would jump ship for the new trendy fad that came along. She once told me I make her feel sad that I think spirituality is what you put into your individual religion..she went as far as accusing the dictionary (she hoped it would agree with her) for being socialist because it agreed with me! Lesson Learned: Arguments with the uneducated will just frustrate all parties involved. Personal application is the best way to judge suitability of spirituality!

Regretting Hypocritical Parents – These are the parents I see a lot, including my own father and many of my father’s older generation family members. They all say they left their home country for a better life for their children, and then expect their children to conform to the old cultural/religion mixture but within this new country. These are also the parents that will send their children to the religious schools (Usually on the weekends or after academic school), and yet will not follow what the teachings at home. These children try to question their parents activities as they are against the religious teachings from the school, and the parents will often try to excuse the behaviour as necessary to live in this country or society (but yet there is no excusing the children) This was my father – the drunk at the table telling me I can’t wear a skirt or be in air cadets! Lesson Learned: Lead by example! I don’t have children but I work with many children and parents and I always explain that children will rebel against a parent’s hypocrisy! Always best to teach what you want your children to learn or allow children to explore and educate themselves – lets raise our future generation to understand and have respectable and respecting faith!

Selfish Leaders – These are the faith leaders that will disregard their faith for personal gains, or disregard your need to question and gain better understanding for your faith. Aside from the stalking priest, I have only had few arguments with religious leaders. I find that I would rather read and interpret for myself then take on their skewed views. I had an argument with an Imam (Muslim Priest type), he was also a teacher in an Islamic school. We argued because he felt it was totally suitable to quit his full time job so he could claim low income and get housing support from UK government – clearly I argued that was scamming the system and not ok regardless of what religion! I had another argument with a Christian Pastor, I had asked him who wrote the Bible and he responded with “well I can see you are the questioning type and so you will be going to hell, not good to question but just believe what you are told”. Lesson Learned: Again, I was steadfast in my faith and belief and questioned those with inconsistent teachings! I cling to my earlier lesson of karma providing her divine intervention – though I haven’t seen or heard from these leaders since, I believe they will get all they deserve!

Wishful Sinners – I make no mistake here to assume that anyone – even myself – is perfect or free from sin. It is the ability to recognize our sins and repent with heartfelt meaning that allows for our higher being to forgive us! These are the people that often hope their prayers will be heard while their actions continue to be sinful. They go to their religious house for prayer – or religious pilgrimage – to seek cleanliness from their sins, while they carry on showing disregard or ignorance to people, continue to lie or cheat or even steal (claiming for money not entitled to them from people and government systems)! Lesson Learned: I have not participated in religious pilgrimages or prayers at a religious house mostly because I know my full heart is not in it. Having faith that their God will judge them is all I need to carry me through my day when dealing with these sort of people!

So, who is my God? Well, he is the higher being that is responsible for all our creation. He is the one that will take us out in the end and point us in the direction of our afterlife. You ever see the movie “What Dreams May Come” with Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding Jr? It’s an amazing movie that highlights the many options for afterlife based on individual belief!

I hope for you all a faith that gets you through the day, gives you freedom to respect other people for their beliefs, and basically follows…at minimum the 10 commandments! I remain confident in my belief that religion is whatever you put your faith and spirituality into!!

 

Life Under Guard…So Say the Cards

I was clearing out some stuff and came across my tarot cards…I think I hid them away because all the readings were coming up less than desirable….and all started in this one day:

September 3, 2013 – this is the card reading day when I found out my summer…and possibly more time has been mostly ruled by the devil. I’ve never been one to believe that one person can hold such power to cast evil over another. But then again, I’ve not been in such vulnerability to lose power of my own life. I suppose I now have to alter my theory…to nobody has the power to inflict evil or bad hoodoo voodoo hocus pocus over a self-protected person.

Anyways…back to it…so my summer of 2013 seemed to start out with some positives…I was dating a guy…I was managing some good work…my title insurance started to look like it might come to a good outcome (I will put a post together with my whole house-purchase saga shortly)…and then in one day around middle of July…my life seemed to all unravel in a bad way!

The guy (head up his ass brat) ditches me with the excuse “thought we were just friends hanging out”…my workplace was starting up with some nonsense changes…my mom ripped my life to shit accusing me of not accomplishing anything or being a good daughter…and the title insurance played me and ultimately denied my claim. Just seemed like weirdness upon weirdness upon weirdness!

Then a facebook classmate from 20 years ago chats me up on facebook after seeing me on an online dating site (another reason I have no business trying on line dating). One thing leads to another and before you know it we are in that danger zone of having intimate relations without really knowing each other (yes…we had a 3 night sex stand)…there was to be no 4th! That’s when he tells me that he didn’t mean to lead me on and he really likes me and my personality…but my life stories send him into a deeper depression and makes him think of suicide. Guess I can take comfort in knowing I have great strength…I’m not in as rough a state as him and I can take responsibility for my thoughts feelings and actions…none of you can cause me to become suicidal I assure you!!!

So as you can imagine I’m feeling like something out of sorts…and then I learned the reasons for the unravelling…in a card reading with a truly good trusted friend. Shout out to Anna…I loves you loads! Stopping at Anna’s for a drink and smoke after a lovely dinner…and stories of my current nightmares, she decides to do this tarot card reading – 10 to 15 card spread to see past, present and future and get an idea of what’s going on.

The jist of the overall spread reading is that: my current environment is a stale rut and no momentum forward…that my near future is full of obstacles…there’s bad luck all over…a clear statement that I will need to remain cautious and patient…and there is a devil and black eyes cast upon me…leading to temptations, seductions and bad luck!

I must say there were some positive cards too…that I’m surrounded by supported loving friends…that I am strong willed and persistently hard worker.

Bless Anna’s soul…she becomes overly concerned for my well-being and gives me a Turkish traditional black eye bracelet to ward off the bad eye spells cast upon me. She also offers me encouragement that with the knowledge of the curse comes my preparedness to dispel it and disburse the negative energy safely…that’s important!

Over the next couple months, I start to do my own readings…and with one of my loving supportive friends…Steph you are awesome! All I seemed to be getting was upside down cards or dark cards or cards full of swords and sorrow. Then out of nowhere the black eye bracelet breaks and black eye beads go spilling all over the bathroom floor! Everyone I spoke to says this is a sign that the black eyes on me are quite powerful and I may need to consider an exorcism. Hmmm….I’m not that into the huudoo vuudoo hocus pocus like…but I am into the natural’s remedies and healings – hence the natural cancer treatments.

So I begin the latest obsession in researching about the natural herbal exorcisms…and the black magic removing…and the banashing the devil in the corner!

I’m pulling out the morter and pestle, whipping together herbal mixtures, annoiting protection bags and writing and repeating protection spell. I’m also burning sage sticks to smoke out evil…and making basil, sugar and almond oil protection and healing body shower scrubs…and if you can imagine the ADHD mind doing a billion things at the same time…I was charming and smoking and hocus pocusing a billion things…I was reading tarot cards on the daily for an indication of a break from the devil’s claw!

I’m gonna say the worst of it is over and I do believe I have my break now…the last straw that broke my bad feeling was the cancer diagnosis!

Now, with my spirit back to Brave…the vulnerability quashed out of me…and the good luck back on my side…it’s just a matter of time to heal from the damage caused.

So…I have bought a new black eye bracelet…and bought a replacement for Anna…I am ready to meet with her again for a fabulous dinner and another card reading. I have every confidence The Devil card will be replaced by The Lovers…The Sun, The Moon and The Stars cards will all line up for present and future time…and The Nine of Swords will be replaced by The Page of Cups.

I have beat the cursing and now I am beating the disease and I will beat the disease and I will retire as planned in the tropics sometime after my 70th birthday!!!!

 

Happy Anniversary Dumbass!!

First and foremost, it is important to recognize and hand out well deserved props and high fives all round for the amazing impulse control progress I had made between the years of marriages!

I will also recognize here that I probably also deserved all the chaos that resulted from these marriages as well….

I am a survivor though and know how to take my lumps!

Anyhow, I haven’t actually spoke to or seen my bigamist dumbass husband since the month after we married….but it is one of my AHDH milestones ….my second impulsive marriage came after many years of impulse control…..17 years of control to be exact….and a much longer courtship of 2 months….first marriage was a 4 day courtship.

At this point, I do wish I could say there was loads of substance misuse (in the form of drunken stupors) to justify my actions…but I can’t lie for shit…and so I honestly tell you there was no substance related mental deficiencies’.

So, how did I end up married and joint owner of a timeshare with a bigamist dumbass…you ask? There was no on-line dating site involved for this one…only some creepy facebook creeping on his part…mixed with some dishonesty from a so-called friend of mine who was a friend of his!

Step One: My supposed so-called friend of 20 years tells me that his friend and work colleague has seen me and would like to get to know me better. Couple days after I hear this, I get a facebook message from this Dumbass telling me all sorts of nicey niceness and asking if I want to meet up sometime. Course I would love to meet up with a boy….I had been single since returning from England in 2006.

Step Two: Dumbass wasted no time and drove out to my parents’ house within hours of his first facebook creeping me (yes I was living in my parent’s house at the time but they were out of the country). I thought this was the nice gesture that he was willing to drive over an hour to visit me…I learned later that he was actually scamming his workplace for the kms and gas to drive out to me.

Step Three: Actively dating for couple months – easy enough while I am working in Toronto….so I spend more time at his place then he spends at mine – just got possession of my broken home and in renovation process and he has never stepped foot in my house. I actually cooked him dinner couple times…and he even took me to meet his sister and her family while she was in the hospital.   Also my so-called friend was singing Dumbass’ praises…explaining how he is such a super nice guy getting screwed by his separated wife (they both told me she was a clingy mooching alcoholic). Dumbass was also in the process of setting up his own UFC management company….I thought I hit the jackpot with an ambitious, intelligent, sweet fella!

Step Four: Here is where I will put some blame on my UK sista Vicky – she was supposed to come on this vacation with me but couldn’t make it in the end. I had one of those free accommodation coupons for Las Vegas…all I have to do is attend a timeshare presentation and I get a week in Las Vegas. In such a stupor….I ask Dumbass if he wants to come with me…seemed like the right thing to do as it was the week of his birthday. Course he says yes, cause who passes that chance up….and since I was willing to pay for the flights till he got his paycheque…he totally played me and never paid me.

Step Five: Here we are in Vegas, and here he goes on about how he is gonna get me to marry him – because it is the thing to do in Vegas. I told him that it wasn’t gonna happen because he is already married – separated or not he is still married. He wouldn’t let up….constantly telling me and bugging me…and even the whole time driving to the Grand Canyon (I was so disturbed that I got lost and after hours of driving we missed seeing the big ass Canyon). I finally couldn’t take anymore of his poking prodding “im gonna, I’m gonna, just watch me I’m, gonna” and so I said that as long as he got a monkey, something to exchange other then rings and a cake of sorts…maybe I would concede. This is where he proved that he could indeed put effort into something when he wants to…he got everything requested and so I couldn’t go back on my word….

Step Six: We purchase the marriage license at the city hall…which was super easy to acquire for the low price of $60…and oddly enough the city hall was down the street from the drive by wedding chapel…yep weddings is the thing to do in Vegas!

vegas wedding cropped

We showed up to the chapel….Silver Bells Wedding Chapel…and we actually explain to the chapel that this is a bit of a joke wedding…notice the clothing on our wedding day of jeans and t-shirts! Didn’t stop the pastor of the church from going all “when 2 people find each other and love it is something special”…I think even the monkey was more aware of the farce this wedding was!

Step Seven: Apparently, the best thing to do once you get married to a bigamist Dumbass in Las Vegas is to attend and purchase a timeshare with said Dumbass! I am really unsure as to how this happened. I recall being at the presentation and hearing all the wonderful things about this point system time share and being able to stay across the world for free…and then I remember requesting the down payment be placed on my British credit card – Dumbass had no money to speak of…but he was surely making plans for the timeshare…”well I could take my kids to Disney land and then she could do some girlie weekend somewhere” It hadn’t occurred to me till later that he was planning separate vacations with my timeshare….it was also at this later time that it occurred to me that he may have married me in the hopes of accessing half my property and assets….that is mostly why I call him Dumbass…he tried to play an intelligent game but proved he’s not so bright in the end!

Step Eight: Vacation over…and all of a sudden he is in a hurry to clean up his house and get me out of his house….he tells me that he wants to clean up for visitation with his kids. By the way, he has 2 kids that he would see every other weekend….but his horrible wife was allowing him to see the kids during the week…yes….I can see how you are confused by this as well! Turns out he was actually seeing his wife with the kids.

Step Nine: Lies caught out….it turns out that the whole time we were in Vegas, he was explaining to his wife that he was in love with her and once he returned from the Vegas business trip he would be returning to her to be one big happy family. I would’ve had no problem with him returning…if he wasn’t lying about it and trying to play both of us! He was also lying to his UFC fighters….he had 3 fighters that he was mis-managing and actually took all their fight contract money…..Dumbass!!

Step Ten: The end! I finally had enough of his games and so I leave his place in the middle of the night…with my cat and all….I move into my broken still under renovations house. He calls me a few hours later to ask where I am and why I didn’t let him know I was leaving…because he was worried about me. It would be weeks before he would speak to me again…and even on my birthday (some 2 months later) all I got was a phone call in the middle of the afternoon!

Having reached the end of my rope….I reached out to some lawyers in Vegas to see about getting an annulment and getting his name off my time share…but turns out I would need to serve him paperwork to legally remove him from my property…and the annulment was unnecessary as he was a bigamist already married and that makes our marriage null and void!

Since finding out that I would require his address to serve paperwork, and learning that he was evicted from his apartment after asking me for a loan for rent that I didn’t give since he was a lying scheming blimey bastard….I reached out to my so-called good friend to ask where Dumbass might be. So-called friend told me that he didn’t know where he was and there were several people looking for him as he owed them all money and so-called friend knew this would happen because he knew Dumbass was an asshole. Clearly, I am not friends with so-called friend anymore for setting me up and singing the praises of such an asshole.

Next option was to reach out to his wife…mother of his children whom he still had weekly access to….just wanting to get an address to serve the paperwork. It was the wife accusing me of causing stress for her and her children (none of which I have met) because her husband lied to her about being in love with her and wanting her back….she decided that I was lying and she didn’t want to tell me anything and she was going to a lawyer to have me charged with bigamy.

Today, I haven’t received any court papers since…I haven’t filed any court papers….and I no longer pay for the timeshare. I don’t think I will ever visit the USA again…fore it seems to be the place where I sniff out and engage in lots of stupid trouble….just wait till you read about impulsive marriage #1 in New York!!

 

The Time Has Come to Change the Guard…of Life!

Cancer cancer go away; in my body you cannot stay!

Here we are…17 cancer treatments in, recent blood test results, more Tarot card readings, and a Black Eye bracelet causing some badness.

Firstly, the Tarots have suggested that there is still a fight on my hands….but the cards are lighter and the meanings are positiver! A couple of differing spreads in seeking the direction I head and the needs I need to achieve my direction….I am heading in the right direction of healthiness….and even suggests of a potential love on the horizon. This could be why I have again become the community project….the distant relatives requesting my likes and dislikes for the potential matches they know of….and the friends on the continuous look out for the tall dark and handsome Prince able to tame this wild Princess. I say bring on the new relationship…..that which is not medical or therapeutic in nature. The cards say…and I choose to incorporate belief….that this relationship will be a matter of the hearts from a strong man to a strong me!!!

You may recall I bought the Black Eye bracelet about a month ago…one for me and one replacement for my dear friend Anna (she loved her bracelet by the way and I hope it brings her much goodly luck).

It seems the one I bought myself has brought me some luck while also causing me some strife…blaming my recent strife on the bracelet makes it bit easier to try and resolve! It turns out that the sparkling separators in between each Eye bead has been the cause of a metal allergy rash…and I cannot wear the protection bracelet now leaving me little vulnerable…until I’ve creatively turned the bracelet into a new non-allergy protection charm! Let it be known here that also since wearing the bracelet I have received some financial luck – every request made to seek funds for treatments has come thru and true…and I will be able to complete the extended treatments necessary – I will explain the extension shortly!

As for the treatments…we have started up with some incidents during treatments…not that being subjected to IV needling thrice a week wasn’t incident enough!

The 13th treatment incident was a snapping of the IV changer…that was an unexpected extra 1/2 hour watching Elizabeth and Dr Nasri try to take the liquid from one IV bag and place into the new IV bag all while I stare at the empty IV line and needle in my arm…that was a 4+ hour treatment;

The 14th treatment would see Elizabeth trying to pump the blood out of my arm and would then find the right spot in my right hand after 3 needle pokes (we have learned that the left arm veins as a whole are refusing to cooperate with treatment – but I refuse to lose…and banded together with the right arm veins to conspire for a winning plan…the blood and vitamins shall flow again!);

The 15th treatment was blood taking day…after 6 vials of blood taken for testing…the actual treatment could start…flowing freely and brightly from the right elbow…yet leaving a bruise and inflammation as its reminder of the trouble it endures for my win;

The 16th treatment would take extra hour just for good measure and treatment 17 would see more time wasted on a broken IV line after the extra IV bag – new medicine between the Poly MVA and the German stem cells…something made of such a stinginess and put into one of the worst spots in the vein right behind the left wrist bone! Let us hope…or rather it is my hope that the veins will show bright again in the right arm so that the remaining treatments won’t be as torturous.

What’s the extra bag you ask? It’s all about the blood results. After halfway thru treatments…it seems there is varying opinions on the blood results…t’is my regular and ongoing expectation these days!

Dr Nasri is of the opinion that the increase in my liver enzymes is a result of cancer spreadage to my liver…he is still unsure about the possible bone cancer. He has ordered the new IV bag of liver enzymes along with a new powder whey drink to aid in further boosting my immune system…that makes it a total of 4-5 IV bags each treatment and about 8 daily homeopathic supplements.

Elizabeth has a differing opinion…and the one I choose to hold onto and believe into. She feels that an important tumour marker number has decreased…that the increase in liver enzymes means that my liver is working harder to get rid of the cancer cells – not a spreadage of cancer but a killing of cancer cells! Elizabeth explained…in layman’s terms I can understand…that cancer is putting out every defense it can to survive…and potentially the additional abnormal cells found in my blood is the dead cancer cells awaiting to leave my blood stream.

My humble undoctored opinion…..my body and my will is way stronger than any and all cancer cells…I will defeat the cancer and my strength and resilience will last longer than this pesky greedy tumour bastard!!!

So, I have already started the war it seems….with the natural homeopathic 4 hour IV treatments, and now to add to the arsenal. I have taken apart the Black Eye beaded necklace and I have restrung it with no potential for allergy…all metals removed! I have bought the recommended juicer (Elizabeth suggested juicing, juicing, and more juicing to aid the liver with its fight), I am drinking the recommended lemon juice and baking soda to alkaline my body, and I am continuing on my thought path of….

I will starve the greedy tumour bastard and its dead cells will come out in my wheatgrass green poo!!!!!!!

 

Celebrate Good Numbers With Me…Come on!!!

I’m sure you all got some good reasons to celebrate…and here’s me toasting a glass (or bottle as the case was Friday) of red wine to your celebrations!

I’m well excited to celebrate so many things at this time…yes even tho I am diseased and single and slowly dwindling away my financial security…I can always appreciate the glass half full…But today…my glass is 3/4 full and the goodness is still pouring in! What has me on such a high you ask?

Well it all starts with the greatest number news in a long long time…and strange for me to like numbers being compulexic and all (that’s dyslexia with numbers)…anyways back to the point…drum rrrrrollllllll…

My cancer tumour markers…more specific the CEA 15 3 breast cancer blood marker…has gone down from 291 to 246…and the alkaline phosphate bone cancer blood marker has gone down from 198 to 187!! Now I’m usually a fluffy huggy social services kinda person and not willing to squish the little red spider at my desk for the bad karma…but I am super ecstatic that I am on the right path to starving the greedy cancer tumour and pretty sure this fantastic news is a testament to my good karmic energy (insects are high on the karmic scale it seems)! High 5 Alternative treatments of vitamins, minerals, and german fella stem cells!!!

So, as you can imagine…I have been on a natural high (mixed in with my coconut cannabis buzz of course) since Thursday…and I have been looking at everything positive as a reason to celebrate, such as……

3 – is the number of friends I went out with for a long awaited and long deserved Friday night…for a most lovely dinner and drinks evening! 2 is the number of bottles of red wine I’m sure I drank…tho it didn’t seem so at the time but really I did end up having about 8 glasses between the restaurant and the bar…thankfully I also drank about 8 glasses of water so I wasn’t totally sloshed and I wasn’t hung-over the next day!

Omega 8006 Nutrition Centre – is the juicer/food processor that was delivered and waiting for me to play with Saturday – thank the God I wasn’t so hung-over to play! I figured it was a sign to get a jump-start on the liver cleansing (8 glasses of antioxidant red wine still has alcohol ramifications on the possible diseased liver)! So to make up for the night before…I fasted from food and spent the weekend making juice upon juice upon juice – about 8 glasses of juice….and that doesn’t include the 12 ounces of wheatgrass juice…there’ll be no yellowing with me…it’s all green from here! I do strongly advise that when making Kale juice…ensure to put something not leafy green (celery was my choice) and something fruit (I used my apricot daily allowance, with a slice of green apple and 3 small pieces of pineapple) shhh on the slight cheating with the extra fruit!

7 – is the number of Bad Eye beads I used in my brand new hand-made Bad Eye Shambala bracelet…basically a bunch of knots tied around beads to make a fancy bracelet! It was actually surprisingly super enjoyable and relaxing making the knots for the bracelet and I think I might make it my new ADHD obsession…..and make some more like a ring…a necklace…an anklet…and maybe a nice purple bracelet for my moms who is the real Queen of my world!!

Zillion – is the number of views and matches I have received on my online dating profile….yes I have sucked it up like a good butter cup…put my life helmet on and braved the world of Zoosk online dating website. I actually paid for 3 months this time in the hopes that….when they say you get what you pay for it would be way better than the free POF website. To be fair…tho I seem to have loads of views and matches….there are about 10 overall profiles of men I would consider and have emailed….I will see if it pans out…as I am sure real men were outside in this weather and not surfing the net while squeezing juice from Kale!

Now that the weekend is almost over…the amazing sunny warm 24 degrees weekend it was…I only have one more thing to celebrate…or rather feel happy about before I close this post and the weekend…

30 minutes – is the time my moms and I spent laughing with each other…oddly enough it was just random laughter while trying to hang the freshly washed curtains…my mom’s had a bit of flatulence (actually it was 20 mins of farting straight ) which had me laughing so hard I was crying and she was laughing so hard she pee’ed her pants!! Now, this story is on the down-low and if you ever meet my moms you can’t mention it because she asked me through her laughter not to tell anyone….so….shhhhh! Just so you know…we stopped the laughter just enough for her to shower and me to string up the rest of the curtains…but we have spontaneously broke out in laughter since and may just keep us laughing for the next few days…the best tears are tears of joy!!

30 days – is the number of days until my birthday….and I am super duper uper excited to celebrate my birthday this year…..not because I will be 39 years old…but because I have a new outlook on life and everything is positive fluffy idealistic world view for me!!!! Remember that now….30 days away is my birthday….just saying again!!

So…this is my Celebration post and I share with you and hope that you will always find something in each and every day to celebrate…and know that I am toasting my 1 or 2 0r 8 glasses of red wine and having a laugh with you and for you!!!

The Saving Graces Of My Heros Eminem and The Beatles

Today my ADHD almost got the better of me! If it wasn’t for the eloquent words of the musical worlds apart Eminem and The Beatles….I may have still been on the road leading up to Canada’s most north of the north!

I find myself questioning more and more….what’s wrong with the world today? I’m almost on the verge of an opinionated answer….and then comes up this f@cking shit shit joke of a show!! And for just a split second….or well more like 30 seconds…this doctor and my ADHD almost got the better of me in this joke show….almost lost my comic show value there….but rest assured my trusted followers (no I’m not starting a cult or massive protest…..yet) I am not allowing the evils of this shit show world to overtake my pleasantness goodness positive me!!!!

What has me all in a tizzy that only crazy rapper and old time magical musicians can talk me off the ledge? I went to another medical doctor today……and I was left with a feeling of AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH and the need to speed (thankfully while I was driving down the motorway at over 145kms….there were no police to add to my affliction)!

Right…let me stop the raving for just a moment to let you have a better understanding of why I’m raving mad today….and perhaps you too will be just as ravingly mad too.

So, today was supposed to be the positive results reading day with my family doctor….she has been supporting of my alternative treatment path and actually wishes me good luck genuinely after every visit (I visit her often these days to request tests and read test results and discuss referral refusals from hospitals). Imagine my excitement….as you have read I have been beating the unbeatable greedy bastard tumour….so I was naturally excited to share this news with my supportive doctor. I was anxiously impatiently awaiting to get a hold of the paper report results from the ultrasound (the one report that will show the actual reduction in tumour size from the professional radiologist perspective). This morning tho, I get a disturbing message that my family doctor appointment is cancelled because my family doctor has been admitted into the hospital herself. I almost wish they would’ve told me where so I could go and rescue her from this medical system shit joke show!

Upon calling the office to find out what to do now, the receptionist tells me that I can meet with the walk in doctor, “he is really nice and has been helping with following up medical reports, but you will have to get here now”. Fine fine I say and rush through my morning routine to get out….still with worry in the back of my mind of how my family doctor herself is doing.

As I get to the doctor’s office….surprisingly it’s a short wait to get into the room to have another short wait….but they can’t bring me down because I know it’s gonna be good good good news and worth the wait wait wait!

For sure this doctor was a little shocked and stunned when sitting across from me…..I was barely able to sit still in the chair and just spewed everything in my head….course he only asked one question “how can I help you”. I explain that I require review of results and another blood test and ultrasound requisition….as he can see in my secretive file I get monthly tests. He then decides he needs a couple minutes to try and decipher what I am actually saying. He then asks “do you have breast problems?” Breast problems????? Yes sir, I have the breast cancer as clearly indicated on my file, the blood results, the ultrasound….and what I have just finished explaining to you!!!!

I have never felt so frustrated…..and I have been in and out of various doctors with various opinions for some time now….but this guy was a true dipshit jerk-face idiot!!! He then proceeded to tell me that I should have a specialist and he could refer me to someone. Hahahaha…..perhaps it was rude to laugh in his face…but really….again with my file in front of him, he should see that I have already been refused by hospitals for a specialist. I ask him if it’s ridiculous to request a second opinion after the first opinion had me dead, undead, slightly dead, assumptions of malignancy and benignancy all within a 5 week span….I ask if he himself wouldn’t want a second opinion…..to which he says yes of course…and then says I should write to the college to complain.

I’m wondering if the actual cancer will be so afraid of the letter to the college that without treatment it will just run out of my body for fear of a letter I might right to the cancer god?????

He then says “you’re complicated”…..hahahaha I laugh in his face again. Now if I didn’t laugh….im sure that I would be requesting a friend type this from the plexiglass visiting area of a jail….i wanted to hit this doctor…but like headlock him and punch the nonsense shit out of him….and I am the least violent person! Anyways, I calm down and explain that I have already been refused specialist service and forced to take medical treatment into my own hands….have signed up and successfully been receiving treatment from a homeopath. Well that bruised his ego some….now it’s a pissing match of what medical treatment is better.

After acknowledging that he is not a homeopath or specialist….he carries on to explain that I “need surgery and there is no way you will get rid of it alone…..ultrasound is no matter because they don’t pay attention to size….and by your blood results, well everything is elevated and it indicates that your cancer is aggressively spreading and I could refer you to a surgeon”. Oddly enough his idea of a surgeon was the very same first surgeon I had seen who also told me I am not a candidate for surgery and pretty much dead.

Well well dumbass doctor you can’t scare me, or all you other doubters, haters and nay-sayers…..you are not thunder and definitely not God!! ADHD is getting the better of them….all these challenges will leave them deathly speechless when I have successfully rid myself of the cancer while still keeping my cells, immune system, hair and mind intact!!

Now, I’m sure he could see that I have had enough of this consultation, so he starts making his move out the door. But wait, I have come here for a particular reason and would like to have a copy of my reports and also new requisitions. Well, how dare I try to invoke my intelligence and confidence…..he refused me the ultrasound report and gave me a print out of the blood results I already have….he then gave me a blank blood requisition….so apparently he the expert doesn’t want to run tests to check on all the elevated previous blood results and markers…..numpty lazy doctor!!!

In my fury….I drive out to the homeopath clinic…..at mach speed something way past the speed limit! I’m so frustrated it is written all over my face and all the support group patients trying to figure out what happen to me….the perma smile is now smiling with something sinisterly dark…the dark being me plotting revenge I will never physically act out!! I speak to Elizabeth…and bless her soul as she tries to calm me down…tries to tell me that anger and frustration will not help me any…..she gives me a hug and another hug and finally on my way another hug!

I meet with the doctor…..whom I am sure is concerned for his safety……but I can’t very well punch out all my doctors! He asked me to go over the whole conversation with the doctor…and then tells me he has the right to refuse me paperwork and requisitions because he is only covering for my doctor….he then says not to worry too much as he may have another doctor supportive of alternatives….only if my doctor doesn’t return. No solutions here I am ready to run out and continue my mach speed journey!

Elizabeth…..I believe knowing that I would calm down if I could help someone else out…..asks me to talk to another new client about juicing and treatment. She was right…..I no longer worry about me….this fellow needs to know about juicers! Apparently, he and his wife were here to visit his mom…they live in Costa Rica full time….but having received his cancer diagnosis 2 days before leaving Costa Rica…..he was little lost on what to do. He asked what have I done so far….and well just having vented my doctor’s appointment told him I refused anything that wasn’t natural and now am being refused monitoring and consultations. Thank you Cory for disputing the doctors with me and reassuring me I have made the right decision!!!

Back in my car….amazingly I am again frustrated….and so the speeding begins. Seems one of my ADHD management techniques is motion……I could be calm calm calm in motion….mind the faster the motion the better it seems! Here’s were Eminem and The Beatles come in….stress relieving energy dispersing head bopping tunes with words to ring true!! All I can say is that “Ob La Di Ob La Da…Life Goes On….and Being For The Benefit Of Mr. K……Let it Be….because I Feel Fine…. living in this Octopus Garden”

As for the moving forward…..well a little quote from Eminem is best way to put it:

…’Cause sometimes you just feel tired, You feel weak and when you feel weak

You feel like you wanna just give up, But you gotta search within you

You gotta find that inner strength, And just pull that shit out of you

And get that motivation to not give up, And not be a quitter

No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse…

…Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out

Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth

Till the smoke clears out, am i high? Perhaps

I’ma rip this shit till my bone collapse…

I will be proving to the medical world…and myself…and the world that I am not dead or as far gone as everyone wants to egotistically think….and so I will succeed through this maddening Bad Ass Dash 7 km obstacle course in my local area to prove that my brains, body or bones are nowhere near collapsing….poor poor weakness will die out with all my motivated strength…..and the only place left for weakness is come out in my wheatgrass oxygenated green poo!!!!!!

And now…I’m taking Eminem and the Beatles out for a rollerblading session in the rain….. motion calmness bring it on!

The Jail-cation of a Lifetime

Today was an awesomely liberating Sunday….inspires me to write about why I appreciate so much my liberation! Today….not only did I jump off the dock into the lake…I got to tread water and ride the warm breezy waves…and even share the knowledge of the liberating doggy paddle with superhero child Logie Pogie (don’t worry…I’m sure we will get rid of that lifejacket completely by the time we return from end of summer camp!)

Today I also took one step closer to my liberating retirement goal of purchasing a campground! It’s like everything falls in line for a reason…and when the owners of the local campground/festival grounds/100 acres of treed land puts out the for sale sign…well I jump right on that! Might appear impulsive to arrange a meeting for tomorrow….but trust me I have been planning for many years now…more so since the greedy cancer tried unsuccessfully to bring me down!

Today might be a more appropriate day to share my psychiatrist story…..as I can appreciate just how crazy I might sound right now….but until I can convince Brian or someone else to play the wagging finger role of my psychiatrist…I can’t just plainly write about it…it is something you need to experience with video link and all!

So, the next best story…another long awaited story….is my jail-cation of a lifetime. In a sense this experience does contribute to my ultimate life plan….not living amongst time restrictions of when to eat and be allowed outside…not having to be herded in a small common waiting area for the cell door buzzer to go off…not having to pee in front of everyone in a small cell….at least on the sheep farm campground I can pee behind the bushy trees!

Perhaps it is important to note here that I landed in jail by pure misunderstanding….there was no criminal activity committed on my part…..at all I swear it! That isn’t to say that I am without past of minor criminal acts…..there were a few…but nothing that landed me in actual prison and not just the police station little drunk tank cell. I mean when I was 15 years old I found myself smack in the middle of an RCMP Organized Crime thievery operation (no I didn’t commit thievery but apparently my roommate at the time was a gang member and used my Fila high top shoes during the robbery (those were my favourite shoes which sadly remain in RCMP evidence lock up this 24 years later). Then there was that time I stole shampoo and conditioner (that was when I was 15 too….seems a whole post can be dedicated to that year of naivety)!

All I ever ended up with for consequences was having to testify in open court against the organized criminals…restitution to Zeller’s for the hair cleansing products and 1 year probation to ensure that while I was living alone I was still supported with school and work (my probation officer was amazingly supporting and perhaps is a good reason and seed planter for my career in social services). Then in my college years, I spent some time touring through prison in Ontario…and a 15 week field observation course with 4 inmates in a medium security prison….in case you are wondering those inmates said I would make a fine correctional officer and seemed compassionate with no judgments (they were spot on except the correctional officer bit)!

Anyhow….one random day many years after graduating college and forgetting about the whole idea of incarceration rules….don’t go through the one door until then other door locks and you are stuck in a 4’x4’ corridor…I end up in prison again….and survived the experience with my ADHD! Here are the many steps it took to get there:

Step One: I got rear ended in a car accident in 2006. I was driving back from work on my second day on the job after having moved back from England the very month before the accident. No, I was not driving on the wrong side of the road and clearly I was not at fault having been rear-ended. It seemed this rear-ending caused a little jiggling of my spine and then required some spinal funky chicken treatments….and a paralegal for insurance purposes!

Step Two: I’m sure everyone knows someone who was in a car accident and therefore has one of them ambulance chasing paralegals to help navigate the insurance and court and medical systems. I took on a paralegal on the referral of a friend…turns out this guy wasn’t so much a paralegal but more a loud bully. He had bad karma…trying to convince me that I can claim pedicures and spa treatments as medical needs. I chose to move onto a legitimate litigation lawyer and was told by the lawyer that he would deal with the paralegal in regards to final payment on my account prior to transfer of my file. (Bill Wolfe, you made a fantastic lawyer and regardless of not knowing how I ended up in jail….you worked hard to get a good karma well deserved settlement)!

Step Three: Having completed treatment for my spinal funky chicken (spinal decompression which meant I couldn’t do anything fun for weeks and weeks and too many weeks to count) I finally was allowed to get back into fun stuff….outdoor activities and even able to pick up my cat (and my cat is the affectionate type….likes to be picked up and walked around on my shoulder). This was the same time I was also trying really hard to run my own business helping other people…I was talking with all sorts of non-profits, governments and protection services. It was a Community Response Officer that suggested I join the Scouts Canada/Police Venturer partnership…he assumed the youth would be ecstatic to try silver and gold camping or canoeing expeditions! Well I’m all gung ho…establish contact and meet with the group of youth almost immediately

Step Four: As it seems, to be a Venturer Leader…the youth must vote you in….and I generally have no problems being voted in by the young people (again it’s about that psychiatrist appointment help with greater understanding of my eternal youthful craziness) . I attend the first 3 meetings of the year…and spread my good word of camping expeditions…and orienteering skills…and summer time road-tripping across the country. I’m in….officially they vote and I make the cut….and the other advisor is looking just as hopeful (seems he has been trying to keep this group together alone and was running thin). Now, just to go through the Police/Scouts paperwork checkpoints!

Step Five: After being voted in…and agreed by the police to join the group…I am requested to complete the vulnerable screening police check (and you can be assured the police do a thorough search when you are volunteering with them)! I feeling super confident about this check…I mean I have been in social services at this point for over 12 years and have passed many screens and checks on an international level! Also, just recently passed my full police/vulnerable check for my job with the Ministry of Children/Youth Services and my other job with local youth support service….I got this…..No problem!

Here’s a little tip….if the police call to tell you your check is ready and come pick it up….it is actually a trap and you will not walk out with your completed check….they usually mail you the check unless……

Step Six: I get the call that my check is ready…and knowing that I have passed go to the police station to pick it up….it’s my one errand before my lunch date with my bookkeeper(my bookkeeper is actually an old time friend and almost like my second mom). I walk up to the counter and present my ID….the woman says to have a seat and they will be getting my check in a minute…..when…. 2 officers come walking in and ask for me by my full name. I think this is a joke (like the boys and police are staging an initiation to join this group) and so I put my hands in my pocket. The officer in his officer tone “ma’am I’m gonna have to ask to to remove your hands from your pockets”. This is so real, the girl who sat beside me actually gets up and starts out the door……as I am being cuffed in the station, I see her run across the parking lot…and only wish I had done that before.

Step Seven: Don’t say a word….but all I keep saying is this must be a mistake and all I want to do is help my local young people. The police officer tells me he would rather be arresting criminals (as if I am stopping him from doing that while cuffed and sat in the back seat of the police car??) He transports me to the next police station with an actual holding hallway of cells and interview rooms. Bless the intake police officer…he was understanding and tells me that there is a warrant for committal and they are required to pick me up and haul me to jail for minimum 3 days. I am so confused but yet not broken down….yet….so he throws me in the cell and tells me he will call duty council. Duty was useless….never asked about the situation but simply said “are you hurt? Is anyone there? You are picked up on a warrant and will go to jail until Thursday”…right now it’s Tuesday and I am missing my lunch with my bookkeeper.

Step Eight: At this point…I’m thinking of my elder mom and how she will freak out if I don’t come home for 2 days. I’m also worried about my after school program shift the next day. I beg the officer to let me speak to my elder mom so I can explain that I won’t be home for couple days….here’s that conversation: “Mom, I won’t be home until Thursday because I am going to jail…can you call the Youth Service and let them know I can’t work tomorrow”. My mom was confused and really wanted to know “can I come visit you or call you?” I can’t really blame the confusion but really you can’t get calls like that in jail….and I don’t wanna be in jail that long to accept visitors! The Intake officer feels my painful situation….he tells me to ask for Duty council when I get to the courthouse and maybe they will wipe the warrant.

Step Nine: Courthouse officers are not so friendly or supportive….once I asked to speak to Duty…the officer kisses his teeth and says “you think it’s gonna change your situation”. I was kinda hoping it would give me some insight into my situation! Instead, the officers patted me down, and put me in a courthouse cell….random toilet in the middle behind a mini wall…and 2 other female inmates not too happy about their situations. Little did I know that this was temporary until the OPP show up.

Step Ten: This is when the vacation officially starts with the long road trip that I don’t have to drive on! The OPP shackled my ankles, cuffed my wrists and threw me in the back of a paddy wagon and drove me to the prison incarceration room cell stay for the night! So much reflection happens when you’re cuffed and peeking out a little window watching the farm land pass you by! I also learned that paddy wagons are separated…..and there is space to transport men and women separated by a non-sound proof wall. So, my whole trip to jail…all I can hear is the boy on the other side of the wall begging to go pee…and then eventually just peed in the paddy wagon. Bet the OPP officers were ever so glad to finally arrive at the prison!

Step Eleven: So, here is the intake at the prison. Now remember I have been to prison before but never on the other side of the bars and most definitely never on the intake side. First I get thrown into a largish cell with other women waiting to be intaked…here is where many life-long prison relationships begin I would imagine! The first lady I speak to tells me that she is charged with attempted murder for trying to poison her partner with the morning coffee….and that was enough conversation for me! Let’s move through the intake process:

First I get put into a small room and the lady correctional officer stands in the doorway explaining how she wants me to take off all my clothes….shake my hair…..lift my boobies….turn around…bend down and spread my cheeks (that whole show and no she doesn’t give me a hand or even kiss me after). Then satisfied that there is nothing stashed nowhere…she hands me a bag with a green track suit, plain white lace-less shoes, and one size fits all bra and underwear (no metal anywhere), and a little paper bag with a cup and flimsy toothbrush and a tea bag!

Second I get moved into the health room with the nurse wanting to know about my health status…hmmmm right now I’m feeling more crazy then ever….curious if I am actually making this all up in my head….when she punctures me with a TB test needle and then I know it’s all real!

Third I get moved into the mug shot picture room. It seems the picture is representative of how real this is…and this is where I have my break…I start to bawl my eyes out and in between sniffles explain: “I am a correctional worker graduate and I have never been on this side of the bars before….and I just got a job with the ministry and I work for my local youth service…and I just want to help my local young people” The officer…perhaps jaded by her many years of watching breakdowns….looks to me and says she has had OPSEU members in jail for worse and I will be just fine and out in a day (it seems that on a 3 day warrant, travel time counts as one day and dead time with no court appearance is 2 days…so basically I paid for my own overnight jail vacation). It is at that point she clicks the pic for my mugshot……you can just see the stress on me!

Fourth I get moved onto the range with all the other women prisoners….most of them have braided hair and green teeth (I assume there is nothing to do in jail but braid hair…and the toothbrush provided leaves no firmness for actual brushing). I end up chatting with a 20 something year old…she asks what I’m in for and I tell her “Scouts Canada”….she looks confused and in the mean time someone comes around asking for my cup….sure you can have my cup I don’t wanna be here long enough to drink anything. This girl sees me give away my cup and immediately wants to be my friend…runs to the guards and bangs on the Plexiglas stating “hey hey that lady is in here for a mistake and she needs another cup while you are fixing the mistake to get her out”. I know I don’t want to make any friends here and I certainly don’t want to owe any favours…so I move onto the next table and hope to be locked in my cell soon…the quicker I’m locked up the quicker this vacation finishes!

Step Twelve: I get into the cell and thankfully I am alone in this cell….lying in bed facing the cell door, the toilet and the sink….thankfully again I am alone in this cell. I don’t believe I slept any….spent much of the evening reading all the graffiti on the walls and bed and ceiling…then I spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to escape through the little window…my thigh wouldn’t fit through the window but in my crazy haze I thought I could totally fit through it and then run across the yard to the fence where of course they would just open up the gates for me! Just as I was trying to put my first leg through……the door clanks and it is morning time and I’m allowed to leave the cell again.

Step Thirteen: This is the last step and how auspicious of a step it is! I hear a guard calling my name and so I run down the metal grate stairs and right up to the door….with my hand raised like you are calling me and I am here! Meanwhile I can hear the 20 something year old yelling at me about how I need to clear my linen and do some washing and stuff…I just look at her and say “ that guard is calling my name and that means it’s my time to go…sorry dude but I gotta go now”! Back to the Intake area where I get to again change into my own clothes in front of the guard and count my cards and wallet contents….in the Correctional Service Van and road trip back to my car. On the way I call my lawyer to find out how I got in jail….here’s how:

The dodgy paralegal with bad karma apparently moved the court case from Toronto to Newmarket and didn’t inform anyone….myself or my lawyer…as a result he attended court on dates I didn’t know about and managed to get the court to issue a Warrant for Committal based on Failure to Appear!

Just so you know…..all is well with my record and the police volunteering I do now….the court case has ended and I have no idea what happen or don’t care to know what happen to that paralegal!

This is just another growing experience…..and helps me remember why I want so much the freedom of owning a sheep farm campground with a retirement apartment in the Red Sea…..Freedom is under-rated!!!

Back Up Plan….At Your Service No Longer

I’m not entirely sure who decided that the number 7 was a lucky number…..or the seventh day of the seventh month would offer loads of auspiciousness…..poppycock hogwash is what it turns out to be….I’m a truly tested testament!

Truth be told….I thought the day was promising to be something to look forward to….the three days leading up to it kinda misleadingly made it look so….but it seemed that the day would only bring about the destined droppage of the back-up plan!

It would seem that time dealt out the end of the connection between spy guy and I…and it is blog worthy as you inquired once before! Turns out he was over-connected to another and under connected to me….and we all know that can’t make for effective spy action with under connectedness Mr Bond (seems also difficult to keep track of books…and dialysis versus cancer treatments)! Though I do appreciate your honestly spy guy….I would’ve preferred it was much sooner….like when I offered you the out with the text “is this the send-off collect your stuff deal”….three days before you planned this dumping date….the answer should have been yes…because clearly it was the send-off and you were just hoping you would feel better about doing it in person three days later under your sunglasses??

For serious spy guy….I can appreciate that you found a stronger connection with someone….and cutting loose the back-up plan. More though…do I appreciate your recognizing that my life does resemble your remark about my world idealistically involving a hugging of the minds in the honour of peace (and no I don’t mean resembles because there was a court and judge involved in the story)….maybe then we wouldn’t feel guilty over intentionally unintentionally hurting someone! If you hoped to continue a friendship with super awesome fantastic me….though I am not adverse….but after all the effort I have just put in that you shot down….you will have to put in the effort for the friendship you want.

So….I put my courageous ADHD face on…that appears to have a insensitive and indifferent won’t bring me down look….because I had a life and plans before spy guy and I will have a life and plan after….and there is those plenty of fish!

I take my courageous face and go meet the campground owner….after all it was just the day before that I arrange to meet with her….and she seems keen to meet and discuss options for selling her campground. Perhaps, it’s the keen connections I’m struggling with? After getting there on time and agreeing to informally chat on the deck under the sun…..and she asks me bunch of question on my background and my intentions, she then shares the story of how the grounds came to be with her initial dream and vision and says how my aim and vision was and is similar to hers (Now, I can see how you might be thinking as I was that this is just perfect start to a buyer/seller negotiation) Turns out….she was dropping me as the back up plan too!!

She asks what I want to see of the grounds…but before I could answer…moves on to explain that 2 weeks ago she accepted an offer on the grounds and she wasn’t prepared to do any discussions unless that deal fell through….but then asked again if I wanted to see the place and explore the grounds more (cause I often fancy myself some masochistically looking at the what I can’t have!!!)

Well….you know what? I am not without my own back-up plan too! I will go back on the manhunt and will find that family building soul-mate right up that small hill and around the maple tree where we will start the campground dream!

Lesson Learned: No matter the encounter for business or personal…be sure to ask whether there are any other deals on the table that have been accepted? My back-up plan is to not be the back-up plan….but rather be the main plan that requires no back-up!!

 

Love your Loyalties….be Loyal to your Love!

So having felt all that negativity, I figured I would help the banishing along by doing a post on Love and Loyalty!

Why you ask this random post? Well I’ve been reading this e-book all about the magical powers to be found when you have Love and joy and harmony within yourself and how that transmutes the negativity in your world to one of Love and joy and peace and abundance…and it will seem that your world is actually singing in perfect harmony!!

All this can only be made possible by harboring Love in your heart and your head….your body and your soul…..and to be fair you need to be Loyal to this Love you harbor….careful not to go all greedy cheaty and try to harbor hate and anger and jealousy too (it will be of no benefit ever and will only come to bring you harma karma)!

Every day I get to see Love and Loyalty in action! I must drive by a hundred farms everyday…Loyally on my way to work….and I am always blessed to see sheep and their lambs, horses and their ponies, cows and their calves…all expressing the Love and Loyalty to and for each other. The best view is when I drive by this farm with 4 beautiful horses usually out in the open field. You can clearly see which horse if mated with which…they are not a blood line family of horses but rather a Love line family of horses….and always puts a smile on my face when I see them paired up. Often the 2 horses would be face to face with each other…they would be rubbing necks with each other and an all-around show of Loyalty and affection for each other!

Then there’s this scene of Loyalty. Every evening I walk to the lake for a swim or rollerblade along the lake….Loyally to my exercise regime. I always pass this older fellow fishing off a rock at the lake…it’s like clockwork…he is there as I am passing…Loyal fisherman…but sadly I don’t think he actually catches anything…so I suppose he is more a Loyal leisurer admiring the beautiful and colourful sunset!

More Loyalty to be found as I make my way into the work office. I absolutely Love my career….though I suppose sometimes my Loyalty to a particular agency or government is wobbly! Can you really blame me though? I mean sometimes governments are wobbly to their public Loyalties and organizations often lose sight of their Loyalties to the public clients! I take my Loyalties serious and why I can claim stake to a proven track record of successful supports and interventions. Of course, I couldn’t make this claim stake without the Loyalty of the clients themselves to accept support and make changes for the better Lovement of themselves. Often, I get to hear of a client…..that walked into the office in tears and on depression medication just months before….through simple words on my part and actions on their part……moves past all their personal adversities and share tears of joy as they explain how they threw away the depression pills and successfully gained employment in their area of expertise and passion….and then show a Love and Loyalty to the greater good and seek advice on how to return the favour to others and give back to the overall community….There is nothing wobbly about that!!

There is always something I can say about Love and Loyalty with my mom….and my cat! As you know, my mom and I share a Love and Loyalty to each other that includes showing much affection and support and an unspoken committment. However, I want to share more about my cat and his Loyalties and Loves! My cat is one of the most affectionate cats I have ever met….and if you have met him you feel and know this too. If you just sit on the couch for 5 minutes…my cat will saunder over your way and then within 15 minutes be laying on your chest purring and nudging you for some Loving petting. He also has that instict of when I’m having a bad day…and so makes sure to cuddle up to me at night and through-out the night as if to say…”I still Love you and I know you take good care of me so here is a little cuddle for you”. Then there is his “wife”. Now you may think it strange that I say my cat has a wife….especially after hearing that I only have one cat and he is fixed!! When I first got my cat when he was merely 8 weeks old and weighed 1lb….I gave him a little grey stuffed cat…thinking this would help him feel more comfortable in his new home without any other animals (I got him from a house that had 2 other cats with 5 other kittens and I think there was also a dog). Well, wouldn’t you know….my cat took to this stuffed cat and cared for it…caressed it…and carried it around the house in his mouth with much Love. At one point, after some renovations in the house, I misplaced his grey “wife” and could see how upset he was (he moped around the house and barely ate). So, feeling bad I though I would try to perk him up with a new fancy soft pink stuffed “wife”, I followed him around the house trying to get him to like her…but he was having none of it….he was sticking to his grey wife with such Loyalty it broke his Love heart she was gone. Determined to support my cat as he supports me on rough days….I scoured the dumpster and found his little grey wife….washed her….as soon as I put her down on the floor…..he wasted no time….he expressed his exceptional Love and Loyatly to his wife by carrying her around the house and christening every room…I am sure you can imagine in what sexual way I mean christen each room…I might even have the sex tape!!

Loyalty in partnership relationship Love is starting to look like a lost art…Not that I am really one to talk since having two random impulsive marriages. But I don’t mean Love in the sanctity of marriage only….I mean the Love and Loyalty given to another for a lifetime! SED friend put it best when she explained Love is ultimately the limit of how much you are willing to tolerate in your Loved one…once the illustrious honeymoon phase has expired, you have built and raised your family, and all your looks have drooped to their lowest hanging point! I see every week this Lovely older couple…..married for over 60 years now….and they know all about the Love and Loyalty required to make it work for you! They tell stories of the hard work each put into the Love to build and raise their family…their home…their business for livelihood….and their forever growing Love for each other….Loyal to their commitment made to each other where they were unassuming unpretentious teen agers. That’s the Love and Loyalty I strive for….to find my Loved one…Loyally committed to build our family and home together…and share in a common understanding of Love and Livelihood…and even if it proves to come as Love and first sight……work and time and many sights of Loyalty will help build it for the eternity it should could and would be!

So, how now will I attain all of this? Well I’m sure you can guess but I’ll tell you anyhow…..Loyalty to faith and belief and spirituality! I mentioned already about this knowledge I am gaining about the magic of the subconscious mind effecting the conscious mind and physical body. This new found knowledge will require more than just mere reading of potentials and possibilities to initiate and maintain the magic. It will require Love and Loyalty to ensure my spirituality has all needed means, tools and rituals required and provided to engage and see the light…..and the Love and Loyalty to my faith that whatever I believe and create as new belief will succeed to fruition….and the Love and Loyalty to my belief that I do have magical powers to become harmoniously joyfully healed, happy and successful in everything I do!!

 

I Am a Rough Diamond Basking in the Glory of My Returned Awesomely Good Mojo!

Firstly I want to thank you Farah for the most fabulous after work girls BBQ party! You are an exceptional host and the evening was so full of laughter and luuurve that it deserves recognition in the good mojo post!

Alous, SED friend, Toni, Tina, Gillian and Jubette….I know sometimes it can be worrisome thinking or hearing what I might get up to in any given moment…..I whole-heartedly appreciate, value and cherish your continuous support, love and sharing of the goodness mojo…..For you all I simply say….don’t worry…be happy…I got it covered ;)! SED friend…I hope this next part will do that email response justice!!!

Despite the continued efforts of the negative nay-sayers trying to project upon me their evil leers…or the serial dater trying to project his need for me to shed some tears….or the biased medical system trying to project onto me their financial ruin deathly fears….I will strongly rumple out their efforts and cleanly outlast them all…with my happy clappy disposition for many a many years!!!

It took me several experiential years to build this protective roughage on my Diamondness! I was used and abused…and beat down and thrown around…but just like the mighty tenacity of the precious diamond…I cut through the bull-kaka and radiantly shimmered on! I don’t succumb to the convoluted words of discouragement or illogical assumptions…or poorly efforted excuses by the self-interested and narrow-minded in attempts to serve themselves and relinquish their own anguished frights, hurtful pains, and accountable responsibilities!

What…you ask….has this to do with good mojo? Well, the answer should be as clear as a shiny diamond! I am feeling my good mojo again…and I have regained my positivities….and the difficulties of the last couple weeks have turned around and become the graciously appreciated positives of these many weeks to come!

I can see how some people might look upon me and wish for what I have…what I have gained (through hard ass busting work I might add)…and what I stand for (there in lying the jealousy festering start of projecting the negative hoodoo voodoo bad mojo)…but I will not satisfy your insatiable need to see me fall! I know all too well the honourable difficulties of wearing my big heart upon my sleeve…for the whole world to see that I am the batter and advocator for the innocently young and the harmlessly old…I may even have an inclination to offer pinch hitter service to the mid-aged range who struggle and scramble in a moment of weakness and honestly want to seek support…haven’t we all had moments of weakness that could’ve ended poorly without the lending strength of another?

So….with the lent help of some precious others…I am now in full good mojo mood….with the return of my good karmic universal law of attraction action! How do I know this goodness returned? Some snippets to help you see clearly as I do!

  1. My family doctor has returned and is looking healthier! She is also more supportive of me and respectfully apologizes for the nightmare of the previous scare-tactic doctor. My doctor….gives me good mojo by believing in my faith and my current positively healthy looking self and disposition…discounts the illegitimateness of the latest reports…and clearly indicates and states she is confident in my successful progression and has no worries!
  2. My property struggles have completed in my favour. The tug of war that seemed almost inevitable…was merely a faked stance of how a man tries to strut his stuff to get a meager woman to bow down to him! Gladly, not only am I no meager woman, and I can read and understand property surveying…but I also had some very good mojo’ed help along the way and to the end! I had a spectacular lawyer and awesome estate agent…bidding my bids from across the great pond…to successful fruition of exchangement and closery!
  3. It seemed I might be drowning in debt with property woes….and the continuous cancer killing treatments…and the desire to ensure an uninterrupted life with expenses and all! But…just as I lend out a helping hand….a hand was extended back to me and my expenses will have some recoup effect…with some even disappearing into the abyss of worthiness!
  4. Understanding the errors of my previous ways, and recognizing the cost on my once guarded financial security….I figured it was time to scope and ensure building and guarding of new financial security. My good karma brought me an awesomely spectacular Financial Advisor/Investor (Adrian I am happy to make you money while you make me money). He accepts my risk levels, my future plans and my on the pathway goals….and he agrees to provide an unwavering control of my ADHD impulsivity (but he will let me plan the sheep farm activity centre….the Red Sea retirement party apartment…..and the Costa Rican road trip) How super fantastic is that really?!

Lastly……a special message from the corner of my heart! I have a special corner in my big heart for all my friends of old and new…the ones that know my real name and appreciate how I don’t play mind games! The real friends that put effort into sharing their love and good mojo with me when I’m experiencing a low…and the very same ones that accept my shared good mojo when they have hit a bit of a downer too! To my newest friends…Costa Rican couple that I will road-trip to see…..Yes Cory we are the abnormal un-averaged medical wonders of the world as a whole…and yes we will prove that we will mindfully…spiritually….and physically beat out greedy tumourous cancers!!!

So… to all my friends….and new ones that may come in after this is written and published…I say (courtesy of Bill Withers):

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain, we all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me when you’re not strong

And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on

For it won’t be long

‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on!!

Now watch my Bad Ass Dash on!!!

 

Happy 20th Anniversary and Thanks for the Divorce!

Here it is…the muchly anticipated step by step story of my first marriage…perhaps it is only me that has been waiting to write and publish this post! It’s hard to believe it’s been 20 years since my first marriage. It’s amazing how the time seems to have flown by…yet I seem to have accomplished so much…like arrests, a second marriage, bought and sold houses, lived in 3 countries, travelled loads…and starving and beating greedy bastard cancer!!

Truthfully, I have all these accomplishments because I took my divorce and ran! As far as mistakes go…well this one was a whopper…but being so early in my life….it was also easier to get over and plan a new!

So, how does one so young (though I know 19 isn’t so young…it isn’t life experienced either) end up married…and then divorced a year later….to a man 10 years her senior and known to her for only 5 days?

Step One: Finally muster the courage to leave the previous abusive relationship of 3 years…..broken confidence and broken heart but thankfully no broken bones. I suppose everyone has their final breaking point….and though I seemed able and willing to tolerate a lot…..uttering death threats and a physical fight in public is where I drew the line (I assure you that line is much closer now and does not include toleration of violence or abuse in any way). Finally I make the move…run to the neighbours and call my mom to pick me up….meanwhile my belongings are packed in garbage bags and tossed on the front lawn (put out or get out the main message received loud and clear)

Step Two: Bless my mom’s soul….she didn’t bat an eye when I called her and she showed up in mere minutes with the car empty and ready for my belongings…it seemed of no matter to her that I was out of her house for over 3 years at this point. In her infinite wisdom of life experiences….my mom drives me straight to the hospital where I can be thoroughly examined.

Step Three: Thank the new rules implemented that once a domestic situation arrives at the hospital…the police are immediately called….and so my mom reports…loud enough for the entire hospital to hear…that I am a domestic situation. Course I should’ve known my mom was bordering that desperation to see me get married as well…..since she also tried to ask the doctor out for me (clearly he wants to get involve in the drama that is my domestic situation while he assesses for physical damage….who doesn’t love a good drama and damaged baggage?)

Step Four: Now that I have made the jump to leave the relationship…I have to follow through with the responsibilities of domestic situation clean up!(offload the damage and save the empty baggage for good life fillings). I take my broken confidence to court…..not only where half my high-school is sitting in the audience (seems my high-school had a lot of little criminals in court that day)….but also where I have to listen to the continued death threats of the dip-shit I used to call boyfriend. Finally they call out our case…and I am all prepared to testify (I’ve done this before and know what is expected)…but then I hear that there is no testifying to be done after hours of waiting in embarrassment! Turns out he plead down for a lower sentence….he seems to be a rat snitching dip-shit that ratted his friends out on a bunch of neighbourhood B&Es in exchange for a reduced sentence on the assault charges (sometimes one crime will pay for that other crime and you think you can walk away even steven in the eyes of the law….but karma seems to have much better equalized vision and a much larger reach then the arms of the law)!

Step Five: Having done and dealt with the courts and now living back at my parent’s….and it seems that my mom is still focusing on the getting me coupled off. I believe this is the first time I am made the community project (although I have learned from this….my mom seems to continue to seek out support from the community for my marriaging project). She and her neighbor at the time come up with the master plan and the perfect coupling offer…..in New York, USA.

Step Six: Why not take a road-trip to New York?! I could use the break away and my mom could use the break away…and this guy could use the company of some frustrated women. So off we go to New York and we meet Ahmad (my soon to be husband/asshole divorced)…nice enough and plays perfect gentleman tour-guide…he resembled Slater from “Saved by the Bell” tv show and so clearly made for good eye candy – Mario Lopez, I hope you’re not as ignorant as this asshole in real life! We arrived on the Thursday and he took us around and kept up appearances all the way until Monday…..I even have pics of us touring around at the Twin Towers (be keeping those for the novelty of it….something to tell my grandkids about)

Step Seven: Monday arrives and before I consciously know it….I’m at New York City Hall registering for a marriage certificate…and then off to the local mosque for a signing of the dowry book…I’m worth a gold dinar, a fully furnished house, and a random cash amount…(I should’ve really considered goats and bunnies and maybe it would’ve gone better!) So after the signing of the dowry book comes one of the quickest wedding ceremonies I have ever seen! Of course I am referring to quick in the sense that the wedding happened after a mere 4 day courtship…..and also that the ceremony of love was actually only 20 minutes long and we were in our Monday best clothes of jeans and t-shirts (I was actually wearing tights which was the fashion at the time!)

Step Eight: So, the typical arab man….my new husband…..decides to take me shopping for a new dress…cause the reception party requires fancy dress?! Walking the isles of Bloomingdales…and I spot the dress of royalty….a nice purple silk number! And now we are all decked out and ready for the small reception….I mean small in the way that only my immediate family, the neighbours and 2 of his friends were at the Middle Eastern Restaurant! It would seem that getting married in the local Mosque was simply for show purposes….considering how he was slamming back the vodka drinks at the restaurant…and staggered out of the restaurant and into the apartment….and passed out after attempting to get jiggy with me (all it took was one push off from me cause really I hadn’t known him that long and he was snoring on the other side of the bed)!

Step Nine: I think for him, this step was the most releasing….for me it was the most telling! This is when he decides that he now has a new clutch to cling to and a new reason to blame his sorry existence on. Sadly, I wasn’t the quiet, broken, disheveled shy type of arab woman…I wasn’t willing to take on his problems for the sake of a marriage based on a 4 day courtship! So, the fighting began….he awoke the next morning…clearly hung-over….and tells me “you are the reason I drink and smoke so much”. Whaaaa????….come on now….I can only take some responsibility for the past 4 days…the previous 29 years is all him and his choices…my magical powers are not time travelling kind! I should’ve figured from that point it was pointless and marched back to the City Hall for an annulment…..but no….me and my social services give someone umpteen tries and lets be friends and work it out…..and I’m moved to Harlem, New York for the next 3 months trying to figure out how to get out!!

Step Ten: Finally, we come to terms like adults that this is not workable….we are in different stages in life…and different places in love….and different countries in citizenship! He wants a family immediately….and I aim to finish high-school (yes it took me that little longer to recoil from my mistakes but I did graduate high-school and college too….got my grad pics and diplomas to prove it!) So, we decide it’s got to end….and off I go back to Canada….technically I abandon him (can you believe New York will not allow irreconcilable differences as a grounds for divorce?) I move to a small small quiet little mostly senior citizen town to complete high-school….cause I already learned big city not good for little me!

Step Eleven: Having moved back to Canada….and starting to put my life back on the right track…I thought it would be ok to be friends with my estranged husband….wrong on that one is an understatement! He again put the gentleman face on…and said he was understanding and ok with my leaving and wanting to live a different life then what he had planned for himself….and so perhaps we could remain friends (yes it was him that asked to remain friends….and me that thought we could pull it off like adults) Turns out…he still wanted to control me as if we were still married and building a life together….and when I moved in with another man (strictly platonic relationship with a man and his brother renting a room in their house)….asshole Arab man face came back out to play!

Step Twelve: Finally the time has come for divorce papers…as you recall there is no “irreconcilable difference” grounds…so we have to wait an entire year separation and the time has finally arrived. Since then….I have also been vigilantly achieving my high school credits and am one semester away from full OSSD graduation! I receive divorce papers in the mail…..he has so kindly done them up with the help of a lawyer…and done them up in such a way that makes me look like such a horrible person. He explains that he wants a divorce on the grounds that “I would not sleep with him on his birthday; I yelled at him; and I was physically abusive to him” It should be noted here that I didn’t sleep with him at all….I don’t yell at people for no reason….and I most certainly don’t abuse people considering the relationship I came out of just before this one!!

Step Thirteen: I refuse to sign the papers and request an appointment time with a New York lawyer to actually draw up honest and reasonable divorce papers. Turns out the real issue was that he didn’t want to give up any money in the divorce…and if he just asked…I didn’t want to take any money either! See me the social services type….I didn’t earn any money with a long standing marriage or children or anything (not even the dowry was I after)….just a crazy week and that shouldn’t be rewarded with money! So…we get to the lawyers and we get a set of divorce papers signed that isn’t based on lies or degradation of the each other! Divorce papers came in the mail…endorsed and final around September 16, 1995….and that was a whopper of a divorce party!

Step Fourteen: Now I know you are thinking that the last step should’ve been the last step….but I’m ADHD and like to go the extra mile sometimes! This is when we figured we could be friends….I mean we gave it a good effort to be friends. He sent me a plane ticket to come out the January 1996…just to hang out as friends and get past all the ugliness that transpired the year before! So, I took the ticket and my positivity and flew out for a mini vacation (the reward for following through with my high-school goal)! As soon as I arrived…he was sweet gentleman like and let’s go out for dinner and stuff….which quickly turned sour jealousman type! He took me to a lovely Italian restaurant for dinner….and a lecture on how “I was not a good person and must be a slut because I live with a male roommate and I should be more respectful of him”. I reminded him that we recently signed divorce papers…and I was being as respectful to him as he earned and deserved…and my living arrangements were of no matter to him (I may have also at this point told him to kiss my ass)…to which he took more offence and actually threatened to blow my head off in this busy Italian restaurant. With all the awkward staring at this point…I thought it best to just request the cheque and I walked out with my head held high. He seems to have figured that he upset me…and so he sat in the car outside the restaurant for almost an hour trying to convince me to go out and play pool or bowling or something to let him know we were friends again…..clearly I refused….respect my ass!!

As my adulthood started after this phase of relationship nonsense….these are the most important lessons learned:

I learned that when travelling to meet someone…be sure to know of alternative living arrangements should things not work out! After we got back to his apartment from the restaurant, I tried to book a flight out for the next day….but was actually stuck for 3 days in New York during the blizzard of 1996 (I even tried to rent a bicycle with no luck) So….there we were both in his apartment not even able to sit on the same couch with each other.

I learned that a relationship shouldn’t be rushed and if there isn’t commonalities now…there won’t be any in the future…..and looks are good for a time….communication is good for the eternity….take the time to communicate about the consistency in commitment to life, love, values, and religious beliefs!

I learned that it usually doesn’t work out when the boy says he wants to be friends…usually means he wants the girl to pine over him…miss him…and beg for his return…and then gets angry when none of that actually happens!

So….to end on a bit of a positive note…..though we have not spoken or seen each other since….I have heard that he has achieved his family life with a new wife….and well I have achieved many other great things and just now ready to get on with the family life as a wife…third time is going to be my charm!!!

 

I Am The Bad Ass Obstacle Dash Conquering Lass!!

It’s another day of ADHD crazy-making frolicsome tomfoolery! I never really considered the high-stakes involved in completing the Bad Ass Dash of 2014. How engaging my tough survivor confidence would be enraging my muscles for the next several days!

What is this Bad Ass Dash you ask? It is a grueling 3 hours of overcoming 37 obstacles on the 7 km long course. Obstacles Over-Cometh!! I was out to prove to myself…to the medical system…and the greater world that I don’t have bone cancer! Though I have to acknowledge that the Bad Ass Dash is no diagnostic method to disprove bone cancer….it was and is indeed proof to myself and to the cancer …that I will not give in or submit and I am not afraid to work every angle to get rid of this uninvited blimey greedy bastard cancer tumour from every inch of my body!!!

Most importantly, before continuing with the breakdown of the greusomeness that was the day, a special shout out and mention for my Bad Ass Conquering partner Michelle Gard. I don’t think I could have completed the course without your push and pull and boasting support! Michelle and I were there with similar goals in mind….prove to ourselves that we can achieve our goal and have fun doing it! Michelle, you just moved back here to start a fresh new beginning…and you hooked up an awemazing start completing 36 of them 37 obstacles and overcame your fear of falling…that wall had nothing on you girlfriend!

We met just after the treacherous trails…our first common bond feeling the trail was more refreshingly cool as opposed to treacherous! We high fived our goal to complete the course and our teaming agreement to push and pull each other to completion! Thank you also for your friend who was giving heads up for obstacles ahead…and taking pics of our achievements (pics I will post once I get them…of course I will only post the ones that make us look good!)

So, we get on with the course…thinking we will definitely finish this course so long as we keep up the steady slow walking pace between obstacles – who can run with a tire around the baseball field anyways??

It seems that a true Bad Ass loves climbing – I was hoping to jump and climb some cars but instead lots of rope…forwards and backwards and upside downs!

First climb up the ladder (I may not have tried without the push to try and conquer just because it looked awkward like asking for a free fall) and just thinking it’s done…nope! Just past the duck under the ropes obstacle and walk around the parking lot comes the big white van with some cargo rope…climb up the van and down the van and up and down again!

Why you ask? Well as practice to climb the wood wall of course…which was just more practice to climb the stacked wood pallets…and of course all that extra climbing practice wasn’t so helpful when we got to the Australian back-crawl climb…involves climbing on your back under the cargo net and up the ginormous hill without getting caught up by the high pressured water from the fire hose! Finally once learning the trick of lifting the net with your legs and pull yourself up…it was smooth pulling all the way to the slip and slide (I think this is where I may have broken my bumm a little…the ground underneath wasn’t so smooth)!

To be fair though…I am thankful for the clean water coming out of the fire hoses…help to clean off the geese poo and mucky gue that was squishing in my feet from the treacherous water obstacles! It’s an ADHD sensory pet peeve of mine…squishy feet with socks and shoes and all forms of poos!

But that’s of no matter now…I can see the finish line…smell the cut oranges for completion snack…can hear the clapping of the dwindled audience (3 hours is a bit long to wait round!)!

A few more easy peasy obstacles…or at least I took the easy way out…50 sit ups for skipping the claustrophobic crawl and monkey bars. Elizabeth I was listening when you said no obstacles pulling my weight with my arms…apparently boobie cancer likes that…so I did around 100 sit ups thru-out the day (I did complete 33 of the 37 obstacles…I did sit ups for the 4 skipped) still mission accomplished and to be proud of!!

Thru the car-wash shower…yep more clean water…and up the hay bales…around the corner and climb the inflatable slide and slide down and WOOOHOOO we done it and got the medal to prove it!!!  bad ass dash medal

Let’s waste no time having a celebratory drink and poutine…yep I cheated with a poutine and a beer!! And to be fair I earned the cheat and my body earned the days of rest it has been given…I think I’m even denting the couch for lack of movement!

Yes Michelle I will totally train for the next one…and let’s aim to beat our time by…10 mins seems reasonably fair…what do you think?

 

Don’t Trust An August Monday!

Funny I should be mentioning about not trusting! I am usually the first one to say everyone should get the benefit of the doubt….and even when the doubt shows thru, I’m still quick to try and trust the speck of good that every human has….just an ADHD good quality I hold dear! But today….I am a skeptic not sure how I feel about trusting everyone….and perhaps now that it is officially September, these feelings will change and the August woes will exchange!

So, bring in the first Monday of the August month:

I got served with garnishment of wages notice (followed by the employer garnishment letter to start Aug 5). Frantically I am trying to get a hold of this lawyer that dealt with the initial incident – being a dodgy paralegal I enlisted services from for about 2 months before disagreeing with his fraud tactics and karma and enlisted the lawyer I can’t get a hold of now! All this is stemming from the accident that happened in 2006 – so you can imagine how I thought it was all done and dusted! I call the court to try and find out how this can even happen after sooo many years…and they tell me the lawyer filed a defense in August 2008 and then missed the settlement conference in September 2008! Bear in mind this scenario of failure to appear is what landed me in jailcation in 2009.

When I left jail, the lawyer indicated he had no idea how I got to jail, but if I wanted him to find out it would cost me more money. Funny how 5 years later, when I have information that he screwed up and landed me in jail, I can’t seem to get a hold of him (not even a boo from email)

Second Monday of the August month:

I am still waiting to hear from this lawyer I put all this trust into…and even call almost hourly. Finally I get an assistant who tells me they will order my file from storage and get back to me…..today I have still not heard boo or peep from any of them!

But that should not distract from the lawyer that actually does call me…..the lawyer hired to deal with the timeshare I bought with my bigamist blimey bastard husband in 2011. The guy asks if I’ve talked to dumbass…and then tells me he spoke to dumbass couple weeks ago – I have tried since June 2011 – and dumbass told him that he will pay out the remaining balance…and then ditched their phone calls since and so now he figured he would call me…every day at work. He tells me that they will proceed with legal action with a firm in Keswick…to perhaps attempt to garnish more of my cheque that doesn’t belong to them…and it will all happen perhaps the next Monday.

The Third and Fourth Monday of August:

Well these Monday’s were filled with work bullshit I just can‘t even bring myself to discuss further here and now….and I was suggested not to discuss at this point as it may have a negative impact on my work! What I will say is that these Monday’s were no exception to the trust testing of the previous Mondays…but it is of no matter when Monday tries to bring me down….I can stand taller and longer than the hours in Monday….I can hold more trust in my argument and have greater faith in the universe to help others see the right way to move forward and be “supportive” as employers and lawyers and such!!

Though I am struggling with the whole concept of fluffy world open ended trustingness….I am still arguing and refusing to walk through the world with such feelings of negativity and despair that everyone is trying to dupe me…or steal from me…take advantage of me…or just get a quick licks lay fix!!

I see August as the month of clearing out the bad mojo….having been cleansed and healed…and now protected by the universe and my own self-conscious magical powers! Perhaps, having survived without incident the first Monday of September, the mojo is cleared out and what I envision now is:

Work is supportive and accommodating and lets go of any issues

The garnishment is stopped and the lawyer acknowledges his error…pays out the balance to the paralegal, pays out a settlement of thousands of dollars to me for having been negligent for over 8 years

The timeshare case is expired and no court case is eligible to be put against me….but as they have a recent agreement from dumbass…they get him in court for the balance of the timeshare

The house settlement I have been waiting for comes through….and I am able to reinvest that money into stocks, a far-away piece of tranquil land, monthly vacations to somewhere in Ontario and next year road trip across Canada…and maybe a little low maintenance condo for me to escape to when the parents come back from their England escape!

A good month or two stay in my Egyptian Villa….with my new boyfriend of course!!! (I guess that means I am gonna have to find me my boyfriend soon soon – I am willing to be your community project too!)

 

Retreat Often and Surrender Never!

I’ve just been updating and putting on posts from the last couple of weeks…but wanted to make sure I ended posts this week on a positive note!!!

As you may know I went away on a most fabulous 4 day spiritual retreat…truth is I was wanting to write about it as soon as I came back but got caught up in Mondays and business of other sorts. But, this retreat was so spectacular I need to share all its awemazements!

Firstly the drive was inspiring! I was able to formulate my new retirement plans, and visualize my creation of my new world. Little did I know that I would drive to a small town consisting of 600 people….a blink and you’ve missed it town for sure!

Once I pulled into the driveway, the host Victoria met me at the door and was superbly warm and welcoming. So, the theory behind this retreat was to explore the spiritual healing of the native people and beliefs. I am fascinated with the native beliefs and was happy to find this retreat: http://www.thelonghouse.org/index.html

Victoria showed me around the healing place, and allowed me time to settle in my little red cabin; set up my juicer in the outdoor kitchen; and time to breath in my new environment before inviting me for dinner! Her partner, Hugh McKenzie, was on dinner duty and made the most delicious goulash. It was a breath of fresh air to be sat in a house with everyone sitting together eating and chatting together!

My Little Red Cedar Cabin: This little red cedar cabin was super awesome…even has better foundation then my house! It was warm with a little electric little red cabin fireplace heater…but it had a real connection to nature and I slept like a baby for the 3 nights I was there.  little red cabin

The Outdoor Kitchen: Was super amazing…I didn’t know what to expect when Victoria explained on the phone about the outdoor kitchen. It was outdoor kitchen most relaxing to be able to make juice and then drink it while looking at the sky and the trees. It was the first day there I met with Philip (Victoria’s nephew)

Chatting with Philip: I am thrilled to have met Philip, he was a true gentleman even though he is super young and merely 22 year old. He explained much of the native culture to me….as he was a drummer and also a sun-dancer….he also explained the concept of spiritual journey – which is to be put into the middle of the forest and fast for days while trying to gain a better understanding of your life! Philip is also engaged in crafty work and spends time making leather goods and beaded accessories – highly motivated, ambitious young man with a kind big heart….and wants a career in social services! Philip even did some healing drumming songs specific for me as an after dinner treat!

I send the message out to the greater universe that my ideal husband is the older version of Philip…..phhoooowwwwww as I blow the message out there….everyone think that for me with me too!!!

King David: This is Philip’s father and Victoria’s partner’s cousin, he was down from Ottawa on a visit. King David made me feel so welcomed and included me in the morning pipe ceremony the next day – just before he and Philip were leaving to go home. King David also made sure I went home with some gifts from him and nature…he gave me some sage and sweet-grass for my own smudging rituals!

Victoria: Spent some valuable time offering me relaxing treatments. Victoria’s expertise with healing massages left me feeling relaxed and more in-tune with my healthy self through-out the entire weekend. Victoria also arranged for some local neighbor friends to come over for a sharing circle…and also gave some time for woman supportive healing and strengthening drumming!

Mary New Couch and Rainbow Thunder Woman: Super awesome meeting you and sharing with you and offering support as well as feeling supported with you! I have been struggling with trusting to easily….but turns out that there are always good reasons to trust…and you guys are definitely good reasons! I look forward to meeting with you all again…perhaps in a year and we can all share the progress we have made and the new goals we hope to move towards!

Hugh McKenzie: Hugh is an awesome speaker of the truth and amazing artist! I spent some time learning about art and the patience needed and the positive outcomes with art therapy! Hugh plays a mean guitar too…..but really without his guidance I would not have completed this lovely piece of art for my moms! my art to mom

 

 

 

PS…Nyrad, I hope this makes up for my lacking appearance in the last couple weeks….and I will write about my PowWow Manitoulin trip next time!!

 

Jaffar the Butcher and Julios the Wanna Be God

So follows the famous story of the Butcher and the Wanna Be God. These were the only 2 doctors in the entire hospital that I didn’t actually get along with…and I’m sure after reading the story…you will all see why!!

It was the last week of February, about 10 days after the last needle draining by the lovely Dr. Roberts…he keeps me talking that I don’t even realize he’s drained 1.5 litres of fluid…and before you know it…he’s got one little bandage covering the needle whole – I mean little homestyle boo-boo Band-Aid! Anyhow, Dr Roberts went on vacation and so I decide i’m gonna have to call an ambulance to take me into hospital…get me in quicker than the whole meet and greet the yellow zone!

So, ambulance comes and bless the 2 young Markham paramedics…super sweet and on the ball! I get into the hospital and they get me one of the emergency quad rooms…hook me up to the oxygen and play let’s wait for the doctor.

Turns out the doctors on duty don’t feel comfortable with draining fluid and so they want to send me home with some water pills and wait till…well wait till I’ve collapsed my other lung and possibly drowned running out of oxygen…cause then they would feel more comfortable dealing with the situation?!?!

Thankfully the nurses see that the oxygen intake isn’t high enough to be sent home and so decide to advocate I get admitted until the thoracic surgeon can see me…who said he would see me that evening (I called the surgeon to explain I had an appt in their office but was now in the hospital and the secretary said the surgeon would see me on his emergency rounds) It was 3am Feb 26 when Jaffar the Butcher introduced himself…the respirologist on-call at the hospital and saying that he felt I was correct in deciding to stay at the hospital…said he paged the Wanna Be God thoracic surgeon and was told I’d be seen in the morning…if I wasn’t seen for surgery prep then Jaffar agreed to do the needle draining!

Feb 27…they move me back up to the Cancer Centre…and no word from Wanna Be God thoracic surgeon! Jaffar comes in and decides he’s going to help me out and do the needle drainage…let’s just say his help was more like my detriment!

So he didn’t talk to keep me distracted…and he didn’t stop when I said it was starting to hurt…instead he let it over drain to 2 litres…and left me bleeding profusely for the nurse to dress and clean up…what he did was offer to get me strong pain meds as I could barely talk…and a chest x-ray to ensure he didn’t puncture any holes in my actual lung…even the x-ray techs were a little put off by the blood and the butchering…I mean not only did I require loads of Band aids, gauze and tape and tape and tape and then all the bedsheets and all my gowning required changing…I mean this was no Dr Roberts style treatment. I informed everyone that checked on me from that point that Jaffar the Butcher was not allowed to touch me ever again!

And still the wait continues for the Wanna Be God thoracic surgeon…he actually leaves me waiting in the hospital for 5 days…each day promising to come and see me and then never showing. On the 6th day, I call the office again to ask when will the doctor come to see me as I’ve been waiting 5 days already…after the secretary puts me on hold several times (I think in hopes I’ll just hang up and go away) she comes back on the line to explain that she paged the doctor – “he said that he will come to see me the next morning and do the procedure between 8pm and 8am the next day and that I shouldn’t eat or drink all day…and also wants me to know that all the calling and paging won’t get him to come and see me quicker”…and don’t I lose my shit and explain “if he didn’t want all the dr’s and nurses and myself calling and paging…then he shouldn’t be saying that he will be coming to see me every day for 6 days without actually coming to see me!!!”

Day 7 and finally I meet the Wanna Be God…8 am he comes to my room and starts the conversation with: “just so you know…this procedure won’t cure you…your situation is fatal…with the lung cancer”. I explain that I don’t have lung cancer…and he tries to explain more of what I don’t have…and then says that the procedure works most of the time. I explain to him that I’m an optimistic person and believe the procedure will work and will ultimately stop the fluid build-up and I’m not fatally situated at all!!

The evening rolls around and the Wanna Be God has decided he’s not interested in completing the procedure…so off he puts me again, apparently profusely apologizing and saying that the other doctor will do the procedure the next day! (I am actually asking the hospital for a copy of that phone call to hear his profuse apologies) Well, let’s just say…thank you Real God for sending me a Real Doctor after the 7th day…Dr Privitera did an awesome job of keeping me calm and positive about the procedure and following up after the procedure…2 days later I was released from hospital with no signs of imminent fatality…and over 2 months later….I’m still here and breathing and clear of cancer cells in the chest… because I have magical powers powered by crazy positive thinking!

Take that Wanna Be God no good thoracic surgeon…you can’t be a God if your wrong…and turns out everything about you just plain WRONG!!! Wait till your karma comes back around!

 

Fuck You Off Cancer…I’m Living Life Larger!!

Here I sit after my 6th round of chemotherapy…my last round! After “careful” review by yet another new oncologist who doesn’t know much about me….except that I am crazy with ADHD and a funky monkey hat…it is agreed that I can stop with the chemical warfare and start with the chemical hormone treatment…it’s agreed I can start the hair regrowth process…it’s all about the hair these days!!baldingme.jul21

So…firstly first we shave the Benjamin button look and bring on the Sinead O’Connor wanna be style…thanks step-daughter for your shaving abilities and you really seemed to enjoy it…possible career choice here?!

As I think of how far I’ve come…finally being able to walk leash free and talk without feeling like I’m gasping for my last breath…which is actually the fault of chemotherapy – killer of cells good and bad! But…here I am moving onwards and upwards…and I think that much of my positive progress is due not only to my continued nutty healthy kick tricks but also due to my positive mental attitude!!!

So, the last couple of months has seen significant changes for me.   It shall now and forever be known as “Summer of 15”!

Where some would think about doom and gloom of a cancer diagnosis and feed into the blackness that is cancer…I have chosen to throw caution to the wind…well more so than usual that is!

I have chosen to…. Get Married…Become a Step-Mom…and Buy a new Matrimonial Home!!!

Now I realize if you have read my previous posts…the marriage and home buying don’t seem like such a big leaps in my life….EXCEPT this time it’s for REALSIES!!!

This time I’m in LOVE with the man I married…or actual more like agreed to be purchased for a handsome dowry of….3 goats, 3 sheep and 1 bunny!

This time I’m actually thrilled about planning my future and building our home that we bought together (with the aid of a proper qualified and knowledgeable home inspector).

This time I opened a joint bank account with my husband…and no we weren’t smoking joints at the time!

This time we actually got married in front of more witnesses then a stuffed monkey and chapel secretary…and this time we actually continued talking and are living together past the wedding ceremony!

So…yeppers that’s me saying “fuck you off cancer and I’m gonna live life bigger and better than before my diagnosis”…I’m not even worried or shamed when my new step daughter tells me that shaving my already balding hair will “freak” people out….or tells me that if I’m allowed to wear make-up I can draw in some eye brows! Aren’t children the sweetest little blessings full of innocence and honesty!!

But still she hangs out with me showing no embarrassment while we walk thru our new town and eat at our new local restaurant…and she even wants to do funny face pictures in front of everyone…takes the heat off my existing freaky funny face!!

 

Ruby Murry Got Her Punjab Groove Back!!

Wedded bliss…step parenting…home ownership…Cancer squashing visualization…lung expanding…chest infection clearing…green juicing…massage therapying…ADHD…put it all together and what do you get?

Ruby Murry gets her Punjab Bollywood Groove on…Grooving it up with the small town Fair locals!

So, it’s been 2 months since I got married…1 month since we moved into our own house and overall it’s continuing to be a great experience!

It’s been over a month since stoppage of the Chemical Warfare and one month of the freaky Tamoxifen “hormone cancer kill pill”! I’ve started to grow some hair back…I’ve started to walk further and faster than I have since January…and I owe it all to the continued efforts of my positivity and my hubby’s love, support and happy-whoopy love making rituals…like on the nightly (bet you never saw that cuming cancer!!!) So…what all am I doing to keep this good? Juicing:

Still keeping up the juicing but making more efforts to get ingredients from local farmers market and putting more ingredients to help build the lungs back up…what’s the list you ask?

Juice recipe – it’s potently strong and magically delicious!!!

1 small red onion; 3 cloves garlic; 1 lime; 1 small green apple; plus handful each: pineapple with core; parsley; cilantro; cucumber slices; broccoli crowns; rosemary; oregano; dill; dandelion leaves; spinach leaves; ginger pieces

Massage Therapying:

I cannot express the wonders of massage therapy…not just cause it’s nice to have a back massage…but because the back massage opens up the tight muscles that opens up the back area where the lungs have been subjected to stiffness of hospital beds and lung glue! In the 3 months of massage therapy I have been getting weekly (and not greedily but only 30 mins massages)…I have found that I can stand taller and breathe deeper and groove with more flexibility!

Cancer Squashing Visualization:

Few weeks ago, we had a scare that things were getting worse for me. I had to start sleeping with oxygen again…and I was getting short of breath quicker and lowered oxygen intake daily…then it hit hard…one night after dinner I had a fit of coughing rage!  I coughed for over 4 hours before the hubby in a panic called 911 and up came the ambulance men and the firemen and there was little me…shaved head sitting on the floor in the bedroom trying to cough out one corner of lung phlegm! So they carted me off to the dreaded hospital again…and here’s where I really took to visualization! Before I knew it…the coughing had stopped…the phlegm was not as bothersome…and the doctor was super nice and explains “well you haven’t got any worse while sat here for 7 hours and your x-rays shows little fluid but no cancer spread…take these antibiotics and rest up”

Now…I take every moment…day and night…I even dream day and night…of all these Cancer cells being squashed and shriveled up…moved thru my system by my lymph soldiers and right out in my “number 1 is pee, number 2 is poo, and number 3 is farts”!!

Exercise and/or Sexercise:

I once had a doctor tell me that the best exercise is sexercise! It’s not as harsh on the muscles and it’s good workout all around for the body, mind and soul! Not too long ago I can remember feeling like having a life partner was an impossibility for me! BUT now I know to NEVER SAY NEVER!! And not only do I make an effort to walk somewhere everyday…but WE make an effort to walk somewhere every evening…and end the night with a little humbling “shake your booty in the bed night cap”

And so that’s the story…the secret…and the recipe for how Ruby Murry got her Punjab Groove Back and won’t be losing it ever again!!

 

Rolled A Mile In Another Man’s Wheelchair

Welcome back…again! It’s been a while since my last post, sometimes it seems like life gets in the way of free writing time…which is ironic as I often try to write about life!  Its the ADHD that leads me astray and brings me back to lead me astray again!

Anyhow, enough random gibber jabber and let’s get on with today’s point of view!

Recently, I was granted the precious opportunity to experience life rolling around in a wheelchair…and a deeper understanding of how sometime the clearly mentally lucid is often mistaken for the “special needed yellow bus window licker”. I will admit I am not often lucid and find the windows to have an acquired but fancy taste!

Here is my wheelchair cruising story and a pic or two to help you see and understand better:

So, I took my cousins and husband on a road trip to New York…it was sort of like a paki-style honeymoon with escorts and all! I decided to take a wheelchair to ensure that we could see all of New York City – as I am still recovering from the lung gluing chemical warfare ordeal!

Anyhow, it was a brilliant idea…especially since we also decided to bring a brood family of toys represent the family…because we couldn’t bring the kids we decided to behave like children! IMG_20151018_061927

 

 

 

 

So now picture a crazy lady being pushed around the busy streets of New York with a sock monkey hat and toys in the lap….here’s some help with that picture

cropped excited

 

It’s amazing that even with all the hustle bustle busyness of the New York streets and the theory that the New Yorkians would be rushed to get places….they all seemed so politely willing to make room for the special lady in the wheelchair and her escorts…they all gave the look of

“Well aren’t they good Samaritans to take that special crazy lady out for the evening!!”

Anyhow, so the main point of this post is really about having a better understanding of when you lose that ability and control of being able to stop and go and look at whatever you want…when the control is handed over to another, you suddenly become aware of all the things you tend to miss when walking thru life!

Though I am super grateful for everyone that took the time and energy to stroll me around…and we did get around!  We stayed right in Time’s Square…and we toured to Empire State Building; All the Hop On/Hopp Off Bus Tours; Wall Street; Little Italy; China Town; History Museum; and Illustrators Society Museum!

It was just a little lonely when left alone while pictures were being taken without me!

IMG-20151019-WA000

Or when conversations are happening around me but I am not actually a part of them…

converse without me

Or when the overly concerned New Yorkian is concerned that the wheelchair is

“Not suitable for the little boy and the fracture he might have…”

Sorry we didn’t get the chance to get a picture of him…but he was quick to point out that it was not my escorts’ faults and really…

“New York should have provided a better wheelchair with bigger wheels and better New York streets to roll upon…so as not to further damage the little boy and the fracture if that is what he has!”

I promise from this point on to make a better effort to actively include anyone I might be pushing in a wheelchair in the future…and also make the big effort to get back to my own long distance walking ways!!!

 

Checks and Balances…Reviews and Progresses…Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

So this year is almost over…one more week before the new year rolls in and a new journey begins!Can’t believe how quickly time goes by when you’re having fun!! Yet, I also can’t believe how much activity can pack into a year! What will ADHD crazyness bring for 2016 i wonder??

Everyone asks “how is married life” and I feel it’s great…we have been through soo much in such little time and we have built up a comfort level so sweet that it feels like we’ve been married for years!

Checking the balance…we are up there in the black…profitable in the grande scheme!

We managed to keep our bank account afloat…despite the many many trips Zougy has taken to the hardware store!

We managed to keep our house warm and cozy…especially with the installation of our new furnace and central heat!

We managed to keep the kids and cat happy and healthy…and duncan the cat guards the family at night from the upstairs landing pretending to be ready to pounce on any dangers…but runs under the bed if anything moves or goes bump in the night!

Healthy is an important one for me…as we come to the 2 year anniversary of my pesky cancer diagnosis. I’m more and more confident with each new day that i will beat down the pesky fuckaroo!I had my final review for 2015 last week…and true to my crazy form, I have boggled the mind of the oncologist!. His review went something like this… “well I am pleased with the overall numbers and results and seems your body is responding well to the treatment…i don’t know what it means that your spots are peeling but jog on and keep doing what you’re doing…Let’s say the skin is regenerating healthily!”

It also seems that my natural treatments are contributing to my positive healthy response…the honey and black seed oil, golden turmeric coconut milk, the mushrooms and vitamins, the coconut cannabis oil, and all the positivity of my friends and family is keeping that cancerous fuckaroo from gaining any steam in my body, mind and soul!!

All this makes me excited about Christmas this year…and i made out like a total superstar bandit with all the gifts i got and all the love being shared!! No not all the gifts are mine but some of the biggest ones are!


I got to see the kids pure joy and excitement of opening their “skylander and disney infinity collectable doll game figurines”…and all the artsy craftsy cool activities to do thru the next year. I am super excited i got colouring books and a super cool puzzle!

The pure joy and excitement on Zougy’s face when opening his “Star Wars Infinity game and Star Wars personalized book!

And…not that i am materialistic…but the best gifts were the heartfelt gifts from my Zougy and the kids (even the one bought by Zougy’s ex that is really from the kids cause at least she was thoughtful and now i don’t feel awkward that i made her and her lesbian lover and her lesbian lover’s daughter special shambala bracelets)

Here’s a few pictures of my favourites (the ornament with all our names is from the ex and the stuffies are from the kids)


  
And so from my family to yours….Very Merry Christmas…Happy Holidays…Joyous Winter Solatice to all!!!

 

Psychologically Damaged Or Bonused…Either Way Bring On 2016!!!

Time of need or time of want or just anytime…Zougy seems to be there for me!Though we may even be squabbling now…and though he can be ignorantly narcissistically self absorbed at times (can you guess by my tone this is indeed one of those times?!)…but no matter what he still comes back around to taking care of me! For that I luuuurve him dearly and will tolerate his selfish flaws and give him this beginning part of the post! It is a man’s business after all to flare his narcissism muscles once in awhile!

Back to me now….it was this time last year that I was losing the battle with the chest fluid…actually it was just after boxing day last year when I noticed the short shortness of breath and the odd taste of chalky chest fluid in my mouth. That was the same day I first slept over at Zougy’s parents house…after spending Christmas with his family…and the day I ended up sleeping for 18 hours and Zougy thought it would be nice for his kids to wake me up so I could meet his children for the first time!

It was a matter of weeks after that which would see me landed in the hospital for the month with those nasty tubes coming out of my chest…not taped like a fancy halloween costume but actually inserted through my skin and muscles right into the chest cavity. This was also the time Zougy…and many others…showed their true colours of love for me! I had ample visitors every day…my friends would rotate to ensure I was never alone! My Zougy came everyday after work to make sure I had healthy food and would cuddle with me on the bed until the nurse kicked him out claiming end of visiting hours!

Though I don’t ever want to experience that again…admittedly it is something that gave me humility and humbleness…a deeper understanding of the fragileness of life and the importance of recognizing and appreciating love always!

I was blessed to have such wonderful nurses who enjoyed my company not to take blood or samples but to actually engage in a laugh or two!

I had a most amazing team of doctors – respirologist Dr Roberts…and Palliative Care Dr Yuan…Who visited with me everyday! They didn’t have to but again it was about sharing laughs and appreciations instead of complaints and demands…and oncologist Dr Kassam was pretty cool too!

Then I was released just in time for the return of my mom from overseas…who didn’t know anything was wrong and left at a time when I was a-ok and still going to work! She came home to find me leashed up to the oxygen and accepting the chemical warfare chemotherapy I swore I wouldn’t.

Bless her sweet soul fore although she mismanaged her frustration in the beginning…she soon came around and took on the “let’s have a laugh and beat this fuckeroo down and here is what I learned from Dr Google today” approach with me!

You all must be wondering what is the point of walking down this memory lane eh?

Well it would seem that with my ADHD…I am either psychologically damaged or psychologically bonused or bi-polarly both!

Over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling a tightness in my chest…a shortness of breath not there before the cold winter air arrived…and sharp pains in the muscles by my ribs where the tubes came out!

My massage therapist (Marilyn Dart from Platinum Spa in Keswick…you are absotutely amazing and opened up my breathing in ways no medicine could and brought me relaxation in abundance) said she also noticed a slight tightness but nowhere near where I was last year!

Zougy keeps saying it is psychological cause this time last year I was all hooked up and stuff and maybe my crazy is just associating cold snow with chest tubes!

Back in the summer, I used to yell at people from my car as I watched them walk around or run to catch a door with all their hair and ease and comfort without the oxygen tank or nose leash and shite.

And this is where my ADHD psychological bonus comes in…I persevered thru thick and thin despite the Doctors believing I was stuck on the oxygen for life…I built back my lung capacity…I played with that stupid blow the ball up game 8 times a day…did my deep breathing and exhale thru pursed lips exercises every moment I got! And I slowly but surely noticed when I was finally able to return the oxygen tank to the nay-sayers…throw out the nose leash…and walk unassisted around the block without stopping (no matter that it took 30 mins to walk the whole 500 feet)

But back is that snivelling anxiety…that sitting in the car and wondering if I can make it to the door. I find myself yawning on purpose just to ensure I can catch and keep that deep breath! I feel myself struggle in the mornings and at times worry that I won’t make it up the stairs at bedtime!

I check my oxygen intake several times a day…99 or 98 or 97 is what comes up…that is the percentage my body is taking in oxygen and also apparently the percentage of truth that I may be psychologically damaged!

So to end this post…and this year…I task my ADHD psychologically bonused self to beat out the mo-fooing ADHD psychologically damaged self….right out the ass and off any planes of existence…and take with you the cancerous fuckaroo!!

Happy New Year To Everyone…I wish you all Peace and Joy and Love and Health and Positivity and Prosperity for the new year and many more years to come!

Onwards and Upwards!!!

 

 

 

 


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