ADHD Made Me Do It

Survive Life with Laughter

Impulse Control…Problem?

I’m a Professional Kindergartner

Why do some places of work expect you to act like responsible adults but continue to treat you like kindergarten children? Boggles the mind really…so I say the most appropriate response is to behave like a child!

First off…I love my career – I love offering advice, support and guidance to people in any way I can through the many Human Services fields I have worked…with children, teenagers, families, education services and government services.

I have been working now for over 25 years….and I’ve worked for many different types of organizations in England and Canada, and just want to share my frustration with being exposed and subjected to this mind boggling practice of adult-childrening.

Offices are usually arranged like mazes with little passage ways between quads of desk (leaving just enough room to flutter dance thru) and supervisors’ walking around those office mazes with green attendance folders. Some supervisors…and this applies to supervisors on an international level….take this part of their role overly serious and tend to record the “L” for arrival anytime after 8:30.31 (“L” code is for lateness)….generally these they feel one should be gracious for the extra 31 seconds! Being the child-like protester…I have reverted to childhood habits of putting my hand up and announcing my “present” status whenever I hear my name or see a green folder. Sidenote…many of these organizations also have these fancy attendance management (harassment) program; if you are absent for more than a specified number of days thru the year, regardless of the circumstances like attending chemotherapy or care-giving for elder parents/special needs children or undergoing medical procedures, you’re placed on the program and harassed for the following years.

This parent-employering doesn’t stop with the morning attendance….it seems you can go through the day with random supervisors chasing you through the people maze. They are making sure that you solely focus on customer service…customer service in the office, and customer service on the phone, and customer service at your desk pushing paper (cause apparently now I am selling support services…and you can get a free rebate cheque with every purchase application). Yes I am a government worker that actually works really hard, along with many of my co-workers, and we front line workers even put in extra work towing that so called government gravy train for all them mayors…again on an international level…to sit freely and dip their chicken sandwiches in!

See I work hard for my idealistic fluffy belief and offer supports to better society. As you can imagine, I spend my day hearing about other people’s life crisis’…..mostly sad situations having brought them to the bottom of their rocks and now in need of support. Once you start talking with a client/customer, you could spend upwards of 2 hours trying to help this individual/family work through how they can survive thru this crisis, pick themselves up and climb up to the top of their rock again.

Now, I just wanna walk through the office maze and try to wash off the latest sad story…I stop to talk to a group of co-workers (washing off their own experiences with sad stories) and we end up on a random topic about how the youth today cut off their jeans shorter then cotton brief underwear. Not even 5 minutes into the conversation, a supervisor comes to the little quad to ask “I was just wondering if you were all on break” (and she is also pointing to her wrist watch). Apparently the union and organization have agreed on the designated break times for the adult-childrening employess!

I’ve seen these supervisors play the authoritarian antics to many colleagues on the maze floor…and at one time I’ve even been challenged for having a legitimate case conference about a case. It is like a teacher employing bullying tactics with inappropriate threats of insubordination (imagine writing up someone for insubordination because they were actually doing their job…and therein lies some of that gravy train wastage). Then you see how, through-out the day, various other supervisors come in and out of her office having a laugh and a joke…the glass office wall doesn’t actually hide the gossiping looking smirks on all the faces gathered around her desk or the loud bursts of laughter. Then you come to the end of the day, there is a supervisor standing at the exit, pointing to their wrist watch quoting “where do you think you’re going, your hours are from 8:30pm – 4:30pm and according to my watch it is only 4:28pm”. It is of no consequences to them that you may have arrived at 8:00am and answered calls and pushed paper! At 4:31pm, it is time to leave and the supervisor responsible for closing rushes everyone out the door declaring “leave now, it’s time to leave…whatever it is you’re doing can wait till tomorrow”…and when tomorrow comes, you will then be told you should have dealt with it yesterday in the best interest of the customer?!?!?!

I have, on numerous occasions in numerous organizations, submitted my request in triplicate that I be provided a fold up cot beside my desk for the routine daily afternoon nap and some jungle jim equipment outside for recess play time…and I would even consider being tied to my teammate by a string when crossing the road to the local coffee shop!!!!

PS..Thanks Asereht and Inot for watching my back!!


Online..Offline…Cross the Line Dating

Is it sad that my mother signed up to an online dating site on my behalf, or just sad that she has had a better response and chatted up more men then I have my whole online dating career – which seems to have spanned over 10 years in 2 different countries! My office granny got me this amazing book – Why Men Love Bitches – and apparently my mother is the bigger bitch! I’ve read the book, oddly enough I do totally agree with everything in the book (I actually held out on sex and overly accommodating the last numpty I dated) I just seem to struggle with my ADHD’s need to be super sensitive, warm and fluffy and supportive to other people‘s needs..its why I succeed so well in my social services career!

Not only is my mom online dating for me, but it has gotten to the point where my office sistas decided to form a panel to make my life decisions – seems impulsive marriages and big purchases had them concerned!

So what causes this fine looking, highly intelligent, and super funny girl like me to require such assistance? Well, perhaps I need to be more arrogant…or just learn from my past dating misadventures! Not that I have had so many dating failures….and I’m not a total prude so I have had the odd one-night stand misadventure…but I‘ve learned that one-nighters don‘t lead into life longers for me!

I will let you in on some of my most memorable failing attempts at love…I won’t include the first marriage…or the epic failure of the relationship that led to the first impulsive marriage…that is definitely an entire post on it’s own (and perhaps a better lead into the post on the second impulsive marriage). I won’t include names here either, but rather just a brief description of how I see it went wrong…and the lessons I now know I should’ve learned (that hindsight can be a bigger bitch then karma sometimes)

Peterboroughie Air Cadety – Nice enough fella he was, wasn’t an online mistake but rather a trust an old friend mistake. He was my college roommate’s best friend brother and we only dated for less then 6 months in college. He broke up with me just after I drove him and his friends to the ripper bar for his birthday…I even stole my parents car to take him! Lesson learned: should’ve been more bitchy and said no!

Gumby the Electrician – Again this was not an online failure…but epic failure it was. I won’t claim myself to be holistically innocent…Gumby was actually married at the time we were dating…tho I didn’t know he was married when we first started dating. Clearly it ended…tho I did have an affair for some time before finally ending it. The many attempts I made to end it caused a stalker effect in him, he would show up and one time while I was on vacation got my landlord to let him in my apartment so he could wallpaper the whole place and leave me a 10 page love letter (yet still lived with his girlfriend wife apparently unhappily) The job in Ireland was a Godsent that made it easier to leave and get away from his stalkeringness! Lesson learned: Don’t get involved with the already involved…they don’t, won’t, and shouldn’t leave their wife…I don’t want to live with their cheating ass anyways!

English E-Harmony – I tried this e-harmony site, fore it made some wonderful promises, and I even paid the 3 month membership in British pounds. As you may know or heard, it has this whole personality, characteristic, and fancy shmancy testing assessment that it uses to match you with your harmonious dating partner. I’m pretty open minded…not particular to colour or culture or religion even. I just want someone kind, funny, respectably responsible, and taller then me (I’m 5’8” so I’d be looking for someone at least 5’10”). Never did get a tall match…and the one fella that said he was tall, turned out to be shorter then me and then accused me of lying on my profile cause I looked taller! Lesson Learned: Computers don’t make for good assessment matchmaking for harmonious dating!

Irish England PHD science teacher – He was a referral from a college professor I was working with…and he came highly recommended. The jist of this relationship was that, although this guy had his PHD and was a teacher, he was unable to drive himself anywhere or even manage his own monthly expenses, and tried to move into my apartment. He wouldn’t get the hint, even when one night he went to the pub with his friends and I locked the door, he banged and banged until he woke up the neighbours to let him back into my apartment. Lesson learned: University book smarts doesn’t translate into street smarts real life skills!

Schizophrenic Painter/Renovator – Now this fella had some fun about him…or perhaps better to say I made fun of him sometimes. This relationship was an online dating failure – I just can’t remember what site it was. I met him just after I bought my house in England and so I thought it was fate or meant to be…considering I was in need of some renovations in the house. He was really nice, except when we went out to dinner…he didn’t really like being outside with other people. He didn’t disclose that he had schziophrenia until 4 months into the relationship and I figured, with my own mental health issues, we could probably work through it. Lesson learned: When he won’t disclose issues at the beginning, it’s probably because he isn’t managing well with his issues and it is not something I should have to work through, work with, or work out for him!

Florida Scammer – This was yet another on-line dating attempt back in Canada! This time it was my mom who asked around and found this “Islamic online dating site”, she suggested I put my own profile and manage my own conversations. I thought can’t hurt to try, so I put on a picture, brief profile and started chatting up some fellas. Then, this one guy seemed on the ball, looked handsome, and said he was from the states but travelling. We exchanged emails for a bit, and he never asked for money, but never mentioned arranging any type of immediate contact (phone calls, meetings). Turns out he was married and not travelling, and not even honest about his name. Lesson learned: The religiously specific online dating sites have more of the scammer types trying to prey on the desperate…and be sure to get pictures, and immediate contact type before moving forward…and stay away from the foreigners!

Bigamist Dumbass – This guy deserves an entire post on his own, currently in the works! Briefly about his name…well he is a bigamist because he is my second impulsive marriage but he was already married at the time. He also threatened to take me to court…he knew I was putting together life stories for my own book and said he would sue me if I named him in my book…so I promised him I would call him dumbass! Lesson learned: So many lessons learned, but most important lesson is that I need to learn more control over my own impulses….keep on the look out for the whole story!

Head up his Ass Brat – Here was my final straw that broke the online dating camel’s back. This guy seemed the most promising, even my life-decisions panel was thrilled with the seemingly normalcy of this guy. He was tall, sense of humour, gave the impression of having a sense of responsibility – declared he was divorced but stated he still had good communication with his ex wife for the kids sake…oh yeah he had 2 kids. I had just finished reading the book from granny, and so, I was trying to be as bitchy as possible…even kicked him out of my bed during a make-out session because it was before 3 months (panel’s idea to wait out at least 3 months). Then, I couldn’t hold out anymore, and one month later he couldn’t hold on anymore. He seemed to be building on that good communication with his ex-wife…so good that she asked him to move back in with him! Now I don’t have an issue if they move back in with each other…makes it better for the family environment…I have an issue with his ignorance mistreating me right after I give him my flower (the cherry was given away a while back). 2 weeks after I made and gave him this giftSuperman Pillow

for father‘s day (such an awesome pillow gift even I was running through the office with it), and 1 week after he called me while shopping with his kids to thank me for being involved in his life and how much he appreciated me, he then stopped all communication with me. When I challenged on his ignorance towards me, he responded with “well I thought we were just friends hanging out…my ex-wife asked me to move in with her and no I won’t move in with her because I gave you an indication of my married life….I like you but I don’t know what else to say I just have my head up my ass”. We then exchanged personal items via plastic bags on his front porch mailbox and no he didn’t return the pillow! Lesson learned: I do not have any business trying online dating sites!

After all of these…and some of the stories I didn’t include, I have now deleted all online profiles that I set up myself…but my mother still has my profile that she is managing! I don’t need to be focused on searching, I have no other alternative but to believe whatever is meant to be will be!! Internet life is no replacement for real life!

My soul mate is on the real life pathway, and just around the corner, to meet me!!!


Life Under Guard…So Say the Cards

I was clearing out some stuff and came across my tarot cards…I think I hid them away because all the readings were coming up less than desirable….and all started in this one day:

September 3, 2013 – this is the card reading day when I found out my summer…and possibly more time has been mostly ruled by the devil. I’ve never been one to believe that one person can hold such power to cast evil over another. But then again, I’ve not been in such vulnerability to lose power of my own life. I suppose I now have to alter my theory…to nobody has the power to inflict evil or bad hoodoo voodoo hocus pocus over a self-protected person.

Anyways…back to it…so my summer of 2013 seemed to start out with some positives…I was dating a guy…I was managing some good work…my title insurance started to look like it might come to a good outcome (I will put a post together with my whole house-purchase saga shortly)…and then in one day around middle of July…my life seemed to all unravel in a bad way!

The guy (head up his ass brat) ditches me with the excuse “thought we were just friends hanging out”…my workplace was starting up with some nonsense changes…my mom ripped my life to shit accusing me of not accomplishing anything or being a good daughter…and the title insurance played me and ultimately denied my claim. Just seemed like weirdness upon weirdness upon weirdness!

Then a facebook classmate from 20 years ago chats me up on facebook after seeing me on an online dating site (another reason I have no business trying on line dating). One thing leads to another and before you know it we are in that danger zone of having intimate relations without really knowing each other (yes…we had a 3 night sex stand)…there was to be no 4th! That’s when he tells me that he didn’t mean to lead me on and he really likes me and my personality…but my life stories send him into a deeper depression and makes him think of suicide. Guess I can take comfort in knowing I have great strength…I’m not in as rough a state as him and I can take responsibility for my thoughts feelings and actions…none of you can cause me to become suicidal I assure you!!!

So as you can imagine I’m feeling like something out of sorts…and then I learned the reasons for the unravelling…in a card reading with a truly good trusted friend. Shout out to Anna…I loves you loads! Stopping at Anna’s for a drink and smoke after a lovely dinner…and stories of my current nightmares, she decides to do this tarot card reading – 10 to 15 card spread to see past, present and future and get an idea of what’s going on.

The jist of the overall spread reading is that: my current environment is a stale rut and no momentum forward…that my near future is full of obstacles…there’s bad luck all over…a clear statement that I will need to remain cautious and patient…and there is a devil and black eyes cast upon me…leading to temptations, seductions and bad luck!

I must say there were some positive cards too…that I’m surrounded by supported loving friends…that I am strong willed and persistently hard worker.

Bless Anna’s soul…she becomes overly concerned for my well-being and gives me a Turkish traditional black eye bracelet to ward off the bad eye spells cast upon me. She also offers me encouragement that with the knowledge of the curse comes my preparedness to dispel it and disburse the negative energy safely…that’s important!

Over the next couple months, I start to do my own readings…and with one of my loving supportive friends…Steph you are awesome! All I seemed to be getting was upside down cards or dark cards or cards full of swords and sorrow. Then out of nowhere the black eye bracelet breaks and black eye beads go spilling all over the bathroom floor! Everyone I spoke to says this is a sign that the black eyes on me are quite powerful and I may need to consider an exorcism. Hmmm….I’m not that into the huudoo vuudoo hocus pocus like…but I am into the natural’s remedies and healings – hence the natural cancer treatments.

So I begin the latest obsession in researching about the natural herbal exorcisms…and the black magic removing…and the banashing the devil in the corner!

I’m pulling out the morter and pestle, whipping together herbal mixtures, annoiting protection bags and writing and repeating protection spell. I’m also burning sage sticks to smoke out evil…and making basil, sugar and almond oil protection and healing body shower scrubs…and if you can imagine the ADHD mind doing a billion things at the same time…I was charming and smoking and hocus pocusing a billion things…I was reading tarot cards on the daily for an indication of a break from the devil’s claw!

I’m gonna say the worst of it is over and I do believe I have my break now…the last straw that broke my bad feeling was the cancer diagnosis!

Now, with my spirit back to Brave…the vulnerability quashed out of me…and the good luck back on my side…it’s just a matter of time to heal from the damage caused.

So…I have bought a new black eye bracelet…and bought a replacement for Anna…I am ready to meet with her again for a fabulous dinner and another card reading. I have every confidence The Devil card will be replaced by The Lovers…The Sun, The Moon and The Stars cards will all line up for present and future time…and The Nine of Swords will be replaced by The Page of Cups.

I have beat the cursing and now I am beating the disease and I will beat the disease and I will retire as planned in the tropics sometime after my 70th birthday!!!!


Happy Anniversary Dumbass!!

First and foremost, it is important to recognize and hand out well deserved props and high fives all round for the amazing impulse control progress I had made between the years of marriages!

I will also recognize here that I probably also deserved all the chaos that resulted from these marriages as well….

I am a survivor though and know how to take my lumps!

Anyhow, I haven’t actually spoke to or seen my bigamist dumbass husband since the month after we married….but it is one of my AHDH milestones ….my second impulsive marriage came after many years of impulse control…..17 years of control to be exact….and a much longer courtship of 2 months….first marriage was a 4 day courtship.

At this point, I do wish I could say there was loads of substance misuse (in the form of drunken stupors) to justify my actions…but I can’t lie for shit…and so I honestly tell you there was no substance related mental deficiencies’.

So, how did I end up married and joint owner of a timeshare with a bigamist dumbass…you ask? There was no on-line dating site involved for this one…only some creepy facebook creeping on his part…mixed with some dishonesty from a so-called friend of mine who was a friend of his!

Step One: My supposed so-called friend of 20 years tells me that his friend and work colleague has seen me and would like to get to know me better. Couple days after I hear this, I get a facebook message from this Dumbass telling me all sorts of nicey niceness and asking if I want to meet up sometime. Course I would love to meet up with a boy….I had been single since returning from England in 2006.

Step Two: Dumbass wasted no time and drove out to my parents’ house within hours of his first facebook creeping me (yes I was living in my parent’s house at the time but they were out of the country). I thought this was the nice gesture that he was willing to drive over an hour to visit me…I learned later that he was actually scamming his workplace for the kms and gas to drive out to me.

Step Three: Actively dating for couple months – easy enough while I am working in Toronto….so I spend more time at his place then he spends at mine – just got possession of my broken home and in renovation process and he has never stepped foot in my house. I actually cooked him dinner couple times…and he even took me to meet his sister and her family while she was in the hospital.   Also my so-called friend was singing Dumbass’ praises…explaining how he is such a super nice guy getting screwed by his separated wife (they both told me she was a clingy mooching alcoholic). Dumbass was also in the process of setting up his own UFC management company….I thought I hit the jackpot with an ambitious, intelligent, sweet fella!

Step Four: Here is where I will put some blame on my UK sista Vicky – she was supposed to come on this vacation with me but couldn’t make it in the end. I had one of those free accommodation coupons for Las Vegas…all I have to do is attend a timeshare presentation and I get a week in Las Vegas. In such a stupor….I ask Dumbass if he wants to come with me…seemed like the right thing to do as it was the week of his birthday. Course he says yes, cause who passes that chance up….and since I was willing to pay for the flights till he got his paycheque…he totally played me and never paid me.

Step Five: Here we are in Vegas, and here he goes on about how he is gonna get me to marry him – because it is the thing to do in Vegas. I told him that it wasn’t gonna happen because he is already married – separated or not he is still married. He wouldn’t let up….constantly telling me and bugging me…and even the whole time driving to the Grand Canyon (I was so disturbed that I got lost and after hours of driving we missed seeing the big ass Canyon). I finally couldn’t take anymore of his poking prodding “im gonna, I’m gonna, just watch me I’m, gonna” and so I said that as long as he got a monkey, something to exchange other then rings and a cake of sorts…maybe I would concede. This is where he proved that he could indeed put effort into something when he wants to…he got everything requested and so I couldn’t go back on my word….

Step Six: We purchase the marriage license at the city hall…which was super easy to acquire for the low price of $60…and oddly enough the city hall was down the street from the drive by wedding chapel…yep weddings is the thing to do in Vegas!vegas wedding cropped

We showed up to the chapel….Silver Bells Wedding Chapel…and we actually explain to the chapel that this is a bit of a joke wedding…notice the clothing on our wedding day of jeans and t-shirts! Didn’t stop the pastor of the church from going all “when 2 people find each other and love it is something special”…I think even the monkey was more aware of the farce this wedding was!

Step Seven: Apparently, the best thing to do once you get married to a bigamist Dumbass in Las Vegas is to attend and purchase a timeshare with said Dumbass! I am really unsure as to how this happened. I recall being at the presentation and hearing all the wonderful things about this point system time share and being able to stay across the world for free…and then I remember requesting the down payment be placed on my British credit card – Dumbass had no money to speak of…but he was surely making plans for the timeshare…”well I could take my kids to Disney land and then she could do some girlie weekend somewhere” It hadn’t occurred to me till later that he was planning separate vacations with my timeshare….it was also at this later time that it occurred to me that he may have married me in the hopes of accessing half my property and assets….that is mostly why I call him Dumbass…he tried to play an intelligent game but proved he’s not so bright in the end!

Step Eight: Vacation over…and all of a sudden he is in a hurry to clean up his house and get me out of his house….he tells me that he wants to clean up for visitation with his kids. By the way, he has 2 kids that he would see every other weekend….but his horrible wife was allowing him to see the kids during the week…yes….I can see how you are confused by this as well! Turns out he was actually seeing his wife with the kids.

Step Nine: Lies caught out….it turns out that the whole time we were in Vegas, he was explaining to his wife that he was in love with her and once he returned from the Vegas business trip he would be returning to her to be one big happy family. I would’ve had no problem with him returning…if he wasn’t lying about it and trying to play both of us! He was also lying to his UFC fighters….he had 3 fighters that he was mis-managing and actually took all their fight contract money…..Dumbass!!

Step Ten: The end! I finally had enough of his games and so I leave his place in the middle of the night…with my cat and all….I move into my broken still under renovations house. He calls me a few hours later to ask where I am and why I didn’t let him know I was leaving…because he was worried about me. It would be weeks before he would speak to me again…and even on my birthday (some 2 months later) all I got was a phone call in the middle of the afternoon!

Having reached the end of my rope….I reached out to some lawyers in Vegas to see about getting an annulment and getting his name off my time share…but turns out I would need to serve him paperwork to legally remove him from my property…and the annulment was unnecessary as he was a bigamist already married and that makes our marriage null and void!

Since finding out that I would require his address to serve paperwork, and learning that he was evicted from his apartment after asking me for a loan for rent that I didn’t give since he was a lying scheming blimey bastard….I reached out to my so-called good friend to ask where Dumbass might be. So-called friend told me that he didn’t know where he was and there were several people looking for him as he owed them all money and so-called friend knew this would happen because he knew Dumbass was an asshole. Clearly, I am not friends with so-called friend anymore for setting me up and singing the praises of such an asshole.

Next option was to reach out to his wife…mother of his children whom he still had weekly access to….just wanting to get an address to serve the paperwork. It was the wife accusing me of causing stress for her and her children (none of which I have met) because her husband lied to her about being in love with her and wanting her back….she decided that I was lying and she didn’t want to tell me anything and she was going to a lawyer to have me charged with bigamy.

Today, I haven’t received any court papers since…I haven’t filed any court papers….and I no longer pay for the timeshare. I don’t think I will ever visit the USA again…fore it seems to be the place where I sniff out and engage in lots of stupid trouble….just wait till you read about impulsive marriage #1 in New York!!

The Jail-cation of a Lifetime

Today was an awesomely liberating Sunday….inspires me to write about why I appreciate so much my liberation! Today….not only did I jump off the dock into the lake…I got to tread water and ride the warm breezy waves…and even share the knowledge of the liberating doggy paddle with superhero child Logie Pogie (don’t worry…I’m sure we will get rid of that lifejacket completely by the time we return from end of summer camp!)

Today I also took one step closer to my liberating retirement goal of purchasing a campground! It’s like everything falls in line for a reason…and when the owners of the local campground/festival grounds/100 acres of treed land puts out the for sale sign…well I jump right on that! Might appear impulsive to arrange a meeting for tomorrow….but trust me I have been planning for many years now…more so since the greedy cancer tried unsuccessfully to bring me down!

Today might be a more appropriate day to share my psychiatrist story… I can appreciate just how crazy I might sound right now….but until I can convince Brian or someone else to play the wagging finger role of my psychiatrist…I can’t just plainly write about it…it is something you need to experience with video link and all!

So, the next best story…another long awaited story….is my jail-cation of a lifetime. In a sense this experience does contribute to my ultimate life plan….not living amongst time restrictions of when to eat and be allowed outside…not having to be herded in a small common waiting area for the cell door buzzer to go off…not having to pee in front of everyone in a small cell….at least on the sheep farm campground I can pee behind the bushy trees!

Perhaps it is important to note here that I landed in jail by pure misunderstanding….there was no criminal activity committed on my part… all I swear it! That isn’t to say that I am without past of minor criminal acts…..there were a few…but nothing that landed me in actual prison and not just the police station little drunk tank cell. I mean when I was 15 years old I found myself smack in the middle of an RCMP Organized Crime thievery operation (no I didn’t commit thievery but apparently my roommate at the time was a gang member and used my Fila high top shoes during the robbery (those were my favourite shoes which sadly remain in RCMP evidence lock up this 24 years later). Then there was that time I stole shampoo and conditioner (that was when I was 15 too….seems a whole post can be dedicated to that year of naivety)!

All I ever ended up with for consequences was having to testify in open court against the organized criminals…restitution to Zeller’s for the hair cleansing products and 1 year probation to ensure that while I was living alone I was still supported with school and work (my probation officer was amazingly supporting and perhaps is a good reason and seed planter for my career in social services). Then in my college years, I spent some time touring through prison in Ontario…and a 15 week field observation course with 4 inmates in a medium security prison….in case you are wondering those inmates said I would make a fine correctional officer and seemed compassionate with no judgments (they were spot on except the correctional officer bit)!

Anyhow….one random day many years after graduating college and forgetting about the whole idea of incarceration rules….don’t go through the one door until then other door locks and you are stuck in a 4’x4’ corridor…I end up in prison again….and survived the experience with my ADHD! Here are the many steps it took to get there:

Step One: I got rear ended in a car accident in 2006. I was driving back from work on my second day on the job after having moved back from England the very month before the accident. No, I was not driving on the wrong side of the road and clearly I was not at fault having been rear-ended. It seemed this rear-ending caused a little jiggling of my spine and then required some spinal funky chicken treatments….and a paralegal for insurance purposes!

Step Two: I’m sure everyone knows someone who was in a car accident and therefore has one of them ambulance chasing paralegals to help navigate the insurance and court and medical systems. I took on a paralegal on the referral of a friend…turns out this guy wasn’t so much a paralegal but more a loud bully. He had bad karma…trying to convince me that I can claim pedicures and spa treatments as medical needs. I chose to move onto a legitimate litigation lawyer and was told by the lawyer that he would deal with the paralegal in regards to final payment on my account prior to transfer of my file. (Bill Wolfe, you made a fantastic lawyer and regardless of not knowing how I ended up in jail….you worked hard to get a good karma well deserved settlement)!

Step Three: Having completed treatment for my spinal funky chicken (spinal decompression which meant I couldn’t do anything fun for weeks and weeks and too many weeks to count) I finally was allowed to get back into fun stuff….outdoor activities and even able to pick up my cat (and my cat is the affectionate type….likes to be picked up and walked around on my shoulder). This was the same time I was also trying really hard to run my own business helping other people…I was talking with all sorts of non-profits, governments and protection services. It was a Community Response Officer that suggested I join the Scouts Canada/Police Venturer partnership…he assumed the youth would be ecstatic to try silver and gold camping or canoeing expeditions! Well I’m all gung ho…establish contact and meet with the group of youth almost immediately

Step Four: As it seems, to be a Venturer Leader…the youth must vote you in….and I generally have no problems being voted in by the young people (again it’s about that psychiatrist appointment help with greater understanding of my eternal youthful craziness) . I attend the first 3 meetings of the year…and spread my good word of camping expeditions…and orienteering skills…and summer time road-tripping across the country. I’m in….officially they vote and I make the cut….and the other advisor is looking just as hopeful (seems he has been trying to keep this group together alone and was running thin). Now, just to go through the Police/Scouts paperwork checkpoints!

Step Five: After being voted in…and agreed by the police to join the group…I am requested to complete the vulnerable screening police check (and you can be assured the police do a thorough search when you are volunteering with them)! I feeling super confident about this check…I mean I have been in social services at this point for over 12 years and have passed many screens and checks on an international level! Also, just recently passed my full police/vulnerable check for my job with the Ministry of Children/Youth Services and my other job with local youth support service….I got this…..No problem!

Here’s a little tip….if the police call to tell you your check is ready and come pick it up….it is actually a trap and you will not walk out with your completed check….they usually mail you the check unless……

Step Six: I get the call that my check is ready…and knowing that I have passed go to the police station to pick it up….it’s my one errand before my lunch date with my bookkeeper(my bookkeeper is actually an old time friend and almost like my second mom). I walk up to the counter and present my ID….the woman says to have a seat and they will be getting my check in a minute…..when…. 2 officers come walking in and ask for me by my full name. I think this is a joke (like the boys and police are staging an initiation to join this group) and so I put my hands in my pocket. The officer in his officer tone “ma’am I’m gonna have to ask to to remove your hands from your pockets”. This is so real, the girl who sat beside me actually gets up and starts out the door……as I am being cuffed in the station, I see her run across the parking lot…and only wish I had done that before.

Step Seven: Don’t say a word….but all I keep saying is this must be a mistake and all I want to do is help my local young people. The police officer tells me he would rather be arresting criminals (as if I am stopping him from doing that while cuffed and sat in the back seat of the police car??) He transports me to the next police station with an actual holding hallway of cells and interview rooms. Bless the intake police officer…he was understanding and tells me that there is a warrant for committal and they are required to pick me up and haul me to jail for minimum 3 days. I am so confused but yet not broken down….yet….so he throws me in the cell and tells me he will call duty council. Duty was useless….never asked about the situation but simply said “are you hurt? Is anyone there? You are picked up on a warrant and will go to jail until Thursday”…right now it’s Tuesday and I am missing my lunch with my bookkeeper.

Step Eight: At this point…I’m thinking of my elder mom and how she will freak out if I don’t come home for 2 days. I’m also worried about my after school program shift the next day. I beg the officer to let me speak to my elder mom so I can explain that I won’t be home for couple days….here’s that conversation: “Mom, I won’t be home until Thursday because I am going to jail…can you call the Youth Service and let them know I can’t work tomorrow”. My mom was confused and really wanted to know “can I come visit you or call you?” I can’t really blame the confusion but really you can’t get calls like that in jail….and I don’t wanna be in jail that long to accept visitors! The Intake officer feels my painful situation….he tells me to ask for Duty council when I get to the courthouse and maybe they will wipe the warrant.

Step Nine: Courthouse officers are not so friendly or supportive….once I asked to speak to Duty…the officer kisses his teeth and says “you think it’s gonna change your situation”. I was kinda hoping it would give me some insight into my situation! Instead, the officers patted me down, and put me in a courthouse cell….random toilet in the middle behind a mini wall…and 2 other female inmates not too happy about their situations. Little did I know that this was temporary until the OPP show up.

Step Ten: This is when the vacation officially starts with the long road trip that I don’t have to drive on! The OPP shackled my ankles, cuffed my wrists and threw me in the back of a paddy wagon and drove me to the prison incarceration room cell stay for the night! So much reflection happens when you’re cuffed and peeking out a little window watching the farm land pass you by! I also learned that paddy wagons are separated…..and there is space to transport men and women separated by a non-sound proof wall. So, my whole trip to jail…all I can hear is the boy on the other side of the wall begging to go pee…and then eventually just peed in the paddy wagon. Bet the OPP officers were ever so glad to finally arrive at the prison!

Step Eleven: So, here is the intake at the prison. Now remember I have been to prison before but never on the other side of the bars and most definitely never on the intake side. First I get thrown into a largish cell with other women waiting to be intaked…here is where many life-long prison relationships begin I would imagine! The first lady I speak to tells me that she is charged with attempted murder for trying to poison her partner with the morning coffee….and that was enough conversation for me! Let’s move through the intake process:

First I get put into a small room and the lady correctional officer stands in the doorway explaining how she wants me to take off all my clothes….shake my hair…..lift my boobies….turn around…bend down and spread my cheeks (that whole show and no she doesn’t give me a hand or even kiss me after). Then satisfied that there is nothing stashed nowhere…she hands me a bag with a green track suit, plain white lace-less shoes, and one size fits all bra and underwear (no metal anywhere), and a little paper bag with a cup and flimsy toothbrush and a tea bag!

Second I get moved into the health room with the nurse wanting to know about my health status…hmmmm right now I’m feeling more crazy then ever….curious if I am actually making this all up in my head….when she punctures me with a TB test needle and then I know it’s all real!

Third I get moved into the mug shot picture room. It seems the picture is representative of how real this is…and this is where I have my break…I start to bawl my eyes out and in between sniffles explain: “I am a correctional worker graduate and I have never been on this side of the bars before….and I just got a job with the ministry and I work for my local youth service…and I just want to help my local young people” The officer…perhaps jaded by her many years of watching breakdowns….looks to me and says she has had OPSEU members in jail for worse and I will be just fine and out in a day (it seems that on a 3 day warrant, travel time counts as one day and dead time with no court appearance is 2 days…so basically I paid for my own overnight jail vacation). It is at that point she clicks the pic for my mugshot……you can just see the stress on me!

Fourth I get moved onto the range with all the other women prisoners….most of them have braided hair and green teeth (I assume there is nothing to do in jail but braid hair…and the toothbrush provided leaves no firmness for actual brushing). I end up chatting with a 20 something year old…she asks what I’m in for and I tell her “Scouts Canada”….she looks confused and in the mean time someone comes around asking for my cup….sure you can have my cup I don’t wanna be here long enough to drink anything. This girl sees me give away my cup and immediately wants to be my friend…runs to the guards and bangs on the Plexiglas stating “hey hey that lady is in here for a mistake and she needs another cup while you are fixing the mistake to get her out”. I know I don’t want to make any friends here and I certainly don’t want to owe any favours…so I move onto the next table and hope to be locked in my cell soon…the quicker I’m locked up the quicker this vacation finishes!

Step Twelve: I get into the cell and thankfully I am alone in this cell….lying in bed facing the cell door, the toilet and the sink….thankfully again I am alone in this cell. I don’t believe I slept any….spent much of the evening reading all the graffiti on the walls and bed and ceiling…then I spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to escape through the little window…my thigh wouldn’t fit through the window but in my crazy haze I thought I could totally fit through it and then run across the yard to the fence where of course they would just open up the gates for me! Just as I was trying to put my first leg through……the door clanks and it is morning time and I’m allowed to leave the cell again.

Step Thirteen: This is the last step and how auspicious of a step it is! I hear a guard calling my name and so I run down the metal grate stairs and right up to the door….with my hand raised like you are calling me and I am here! Meanwhile I can hear the 20 something year old yelling at me about how I need to clear my linen and do some washing and stuff…I just look at her and say “ that guard is calling my name and that means it’s my time to go…sorry dude but I gotta go now”! Back to the Intake area where I get to again change into my own clothes in front of the guard and count my cards and wallet contents….in the Correctional Service Van and road trip back to my car. On the way I call my lawyer to find out how I got in jail….here’s how:

The dodgy paralegal with bad karma apparently moved the court case from Toronto to Newmarket and didn’t inform anyone….myself or my lawyer…as a result he attended court on dates I didn’t know about and managed to get the court to issue a Warrant for Committal based on Failure to Appear!

Just so you know…..all is well with my record and the police volunteering I do now….the court case has ended and I have no idea what happen or don’t care to know what happen to that paralegal!

This is just another growing experience…..and helps me remember why I want so much the freedom of owning a sheep farm campground with a retirement apartment in the Red Sea…..Freedom is under-rated!!!


Happy 20th Anniversary and Thanks for the Divorce!

Here it is…the muchly anticipated step by step story of my first marriage…perhaps it is only me that has been waiting to write and publish this post! It’s hard to believe it’s been 20 years since my first marriage. It’s amazing how the time seems to have flown by…yet I seem to have accomplished so much…like arrests, a second marriage, bought and sold houses, lived in 3 countries, travelled loads…and starving and beating greedy bastard cancer!!

Truthfully, I have all these accomplishments because I took my divorce and ran! As far as mistakes go…well this one was a whopper…but being so early in my life….it was also easier to get over and plan a new!

So, how does one so young (though I know 19 isn’t so young…it isn’t life experienced either) end up married…and then divorced a year later….to a man 10 years her senior and known to her for only 5 days?

Step One: Finally muster the courage to leave the previous abusive relationship of 3 years…..broken confidence and broken heart but thankfully no broken bones. I suppose everyone has their final breaking point….and though I seemed able and willing to tolerate a lot…..uttering death threats and a physical fight in public is where I drew the line (I assure you that line is much closer now and does not include toleration of violence or abuse in any way). Finally I make the move…run to the neighbours and call my mom to pick me up….meanwhile my belongings are packed in garbage bags and tossed on the front lawn (put out or get out the main message received loud and clear)

Step Two: Bless my mom’s soul….she didn’t bat an eye when I called her and she showed up in mere minutes with the car empty and ready for my belongings…it seemed of no matter to her that I was out of her house for over 3 years at this point. In her infinite wisdom of life experiences….my mom drives me straight to the hospital where I can be thoroughly examined.

Step Three: Thank the new rules implemented that once a domestic situation arrives at the hospital…the police are immediately called….and so my mom reports…loud enough for the entire hospital to hear…that I am a domestic situation. Course I should’ve known my mom was bordering that desperation to see me get married as well…..since she also tried to ask the doctor out for me (clearly he wants to get involve in the drama that is my domestic situation while he assesses for physical damage….who doesn’t love a good drama and damaged baggage?)

Step Four: Now that I have made the jump to leave the relationship…I have to follow through with the responsibilities of domestic situation clean up!(offload the damage and save the empty baggage for good life fillings). I take my broken confidence to court…..not only where half my high-school is sitting in the audience (seems my high-school had a lot of little criminals in court that day)….but also where I have to listen to the continued death threats of the dip-shit I used to call boyfriend. Finally they call out our case…and I am all prepared to testify (I’ve done this before and know what is expected)…but then I hear that there is no testifying to be done after hours of waiting in embarrassment! Turns out he plead down for a lower sentence….he seems to be a rat snitching dip-shit that ratted his friends out on a bunch of neighbourhood B&Es in exchange for a reduced sentence on the assault charges (sometimes one crime will pay for that other crime and you think you can walk away even steven in the eyes of the law….but karma seems to have much better equalized vision and a much larger reach then the arms of the law)!

Step Five: Having done and dealt with the courts and now living back at my parent’s….and it seems that my mom is still focusing on the getting me coupled off. I believe this is the first time I am made the community project (although I have learned from this….my mom seems to continue to seek out support from the community for my marriaging project). She and her neighbor at the time come up with the master plan and the perfect coupling offer… New York, USA.

Step Six: Why not take a road-trip to New York?! I could use the break away and my mom could use the break away…and this guy could use the company of some frustrated women. So off we go to New York and we meet Ahmad (my soon to be husband/asshole divorced)…nice enough and plays perfect gentleman tour-guide…he resembled Slater from “Saved by the Bell” tv show and so clearly made for good eye candy – Mario Lopez, I hope you’re not as ignorant as this asshole in real life! We arrived on the Thursday and he took us around and kept up appearances all the way until Monday…..I even have pics of us touring around at the Twin Towers (be keeping those for the novelty of it….something to tell my grandkids about)

Step Seven: Monday arrives and before I consciously know it….I’m at New York City Hall registering for a marriage certificate…and then off to the local mosque for a signing of the dowry book…I’m worth a gold dinar, a fully furnished house, and a random cash amount…(I should’ve really considered goats and bunnies and maybe it would’ve gone better!) So after the signing of the dowry book comes one of the quickest wedding ceremonies I have ever seen! Of course I am referring to quick in the sense that the wedding happened after a mere 4 day courtship…..and also that the ceremony of love was actually only 20 minutes long and we were in our Monday best clothes of jeans and t-shirts (I was actually wearing tights which was the fashion at the time!)

Step Eight: So, the typical arab man….my new husband…..decides to take me shopping for a new dress…cause the reception party requires fancy dress?! Walking the isles of Bloomingdales…and I spot the dress of royalty….a nice purple silk number! And now we are all decked out and ready for the small reception….I mean small in the way that only my immediate family, the neighbours and 2 of his friends were at the Middle Eastern Restaurant! It would seem that getting married in the local Mosque was simply for show purposes….considering how he was slamming back the vodka drinks at the restaurant…and staggered out of the restaurant and into the apartment….and passed out after attempting to get jiggy with me (all it took was one push off from me cause really I hadn’t known him that long and he was snoring on the other side of the bed)!

Step Nine: I think for him, this step was the most releasing….for me it was the most telling! This is when he decides that he now has a new clutch to cling to and a new reason to blame his sorry existence on. Sadly, I wasn’t the quiet, broken, disheveled shy type of arab woman…I wasn’t willing to take on his problems for the sake of a marriage based on a 4 day courtship! So, the fighting began….he awoke the next morning…clearly hung-over….and tells me “you are the reason I drink and smoke so much”. Whaaaa????….come on now….I can only take some responsibility for the past 4 days…the previous 29 years is all him and his choices…my magical powers are not time travelling kind! I should’ve figured from that point it was pointless and marched back to the City Hall for an annulment…..but no….me and my social services give someone umpteen tries and lets be friends and work it out…..and I’m moved to Harlem, New York for the next 3 months trying to figure out how to get out!!

Step Ten: Finally, we come to terms like adults that this is not workable….we are in different stages in life…and different places in love….and different countries in citizenship! He wants a family immediately….and I aim to finish high-school (yes it took me that little longer to recoil from my mistakes but I did graduate high-school and college too….got my grad pics and diplomas to prove it!) So, we decide it’s got to end….and off I go back to Canada….technically I abandon him (can you believe New York will not allow irreconcilable differences as a grounds for divorce?) I move to a small small quiet little mostly senior citizen town to complete high-school….cause I already learned big city not good for little me!

Step Eleven: Having moved back to Canada….and starting to put my life back on the right track…I thought it would be ok to be friends with my estranged husband….wrong on that one is an understatement! He again put the gentleman face on…and said he was understanding and ok with my leaving and wanting to live a different life then what he had planned for himself….and so perhaps we could remain friends (yes it was him that asked to remain friends….and me that thought we could pull it off like adults) Turns out…he still wanted to control me as if we were still married and building a life together….and when I moved in with another man (strictly platonic relationship with a man and his brother renting a room in their house)….asshole Arab man face came back out to play!

Step Twelve: Finally the time has come for divorce papers…as you recall there is no “irreconcilable difference” grounds…so we have to wait an entire year separation and the time has finally arrived. Since then….I have also been vigilantly achieving my high school credits and am one semester away from full OSSD graduation! I receive divorce papers in the mail…..he has so kindly done them up with the help of a lawyer…and done them up in such a way that makes me look like such a horrible person. He explains that he wants a divorce on the grounds that “I would not sleep with him on his birthday; I yelled at him; and I was physically abusive to him” It should be noted here that I didn’t sleep with him at all….I don’t yell at people for no reason….and I most certainly don’t abuse people considering the relationship I came out of just before this one!!

Step Thirteen: I refuse to sign the papers and request an appointment time with a New York lawyer to actually draw up honest and reasonable divorce papers. Turns out the real issue was that he didn’t want to give up any money in the divorce…and if he just asked…I didn’t want to take any money either! See me the social services type….I didn’t earn any money with a long standing marriage or children or anything (not even the dowry was I after)….just a crazy week and that shouldn’t be rewarded with money! So…we get to the lawyers and we get a set of divorce papers signed that isn’t based on lies or degradation of the each other! Divorce papers came in the mail…endorsed and final around September 16, 1995….and that was a whopper of a divorce party!

Step Fourteen: Now I know you are thinking that the last step should’ve been the last step….but I’m ADHD and like to go the extra mile sometimes! This is when we figured we could be friends….I mean we gave it a good effort to be friends. He sent me a plane ticket to come out the January 1996…just to hang out as friends and get past all the ugliness that transpired the year before! So, I took the ticket and my positivity and flew out for a mini vacation (the reward for following through with my high-school goal)! As soon as I arrived…he was sweet gentleman like and let’s go out for dinner and stuff….which quickly turned sour jealousman type! He took me to a lovely Italian restaurant for dinner….and a lecture on how “I was not a good person and must be a slut because I live with a male roommate and I should be more respectful of him”. I reminded him that we recently signed divorce papers…and I was being as respectful to him as he earned and deserved…and my living arrangements were of no matter to him (I may have also at this point told him to kiss my ass)…to which he took more offence and actually threatened to blow my head off in this busy Italian restaurant. With all the awkward staring at this point…I thought it best to just request the cheque and I walked out with my head held high. He seems to have figured that he upset me…and so he sat in the car outside the restaurant for almost an hour trying to convince me to go out and play pool or bowling or something to let him know we were friends again…..clearly I refused….respect my ass!!

As my adulthood started after this phase of relationship nonsense….these are the most important lessons learned:

I learned that when travelling to meet someone…be sure to know of alternative living arrangements should things not work out! After we got back to his apartment from the restaurant, I tried to book a flight out for the next day….but was actually stuck for 3 days in New York during the blizzard of 1996 (I even tried to rent a bicycle with no luck) So….there we were both in his apartment not even able to sit on the same couch with each other.

I learned that a relationship shouldn’t be rushed and if there isn’t commonalities now…there won’t be any in the future…..and looks are good for a time….communication is good for the eternity….take the time to communicate about the consistency in commitment to life, love, values, and religious beliefs!

I learned that it usually doesn’t work out when the boy says he wants to be friends…usually means he wants the girl to pine over him…miss him…and beg for his return…and then gets angry when none of that actually happens!

So….to end on a bit of a positive note…..though we have not spoken or seen each other since….I have heard that he has achieved his family life with a new wife….and well I have achieved many other great things and just now ready to get on with the family life as a wife…third time is going to be my charm!!!


I Am The Bad Ass Obstacle Dash Conquering Lass!!

It’s another day of ADHD crazy-making frolicsome tomfoolery! I never really considered the high-stakes involved in completing the Bad Ass Dash of 2014. How engaging my tough survivor confidence would be enraging my muscles for the next several days!

What is this Bad Ass Dash you ask? It is a grueling 3 hours of overcoming 37 obstacles on the 7 km long course. Obstacles Over-Cometh!! I was out to prove to myself…to the medical system…and the greater world that I don’t have bone cancer! Though I have to acknowledge that the Bad Ass Dash is no diagnostic method to disprove bone cancer….it was and is indeed proof to myself and to the cancer …that I will not give in or submit and I am not afraid to work every angle to get rid of this uninvited blimey greedy bastard cancer tumour from every inch of my body!!!

Most importantly, before continuing with the breakdown of the greusomeness that was the day, a special shout out and mention for my Bad Ass Conquering partner Michelle Gard. I don’t think I could have completed the course without your push and pull and boasting support! Michelle and I were there with similar goals in mind….prove to ourselves that we can achieve our goal and have fun doing it! Michelle, you just moved back here to start a fresh new beginning…and you hooked up an awemazing start completing 36 of them 37 obstacles and overcame your fear of falling…that wall had nothing on you girlfriend!

We met just after the treacherous trails…our first common bond feeling the trail was more refreshingly cool as opposed to treacherous! We high fived our goal to complete the course and our teaming agreement to push and pull each other to completion! Thank you also for your friend who was giving heads up for obstacles ahead…and taking pics of our achievements (pics I will post once I get them…of course I will only post the ones that make us look good!)

So, we get on with the course…thinking we will definitely finish this course so long as we keep up the steady slow walking pace between obstacles – who can run with a tire around the baseball field anyways??

It seems that a true Bad Ass loves climbing – I was hoping to jump and climb some cars but instead lots of rope…forwards and backwards and upside downs!

First climb up the ladder (I may not have tried without the push to try and conquer just because it looked awkward like asking for a free fall) and just thinking it’s done…nope! Just past the duck under the ropes obstacle and walk around the parking lot comes the big white van with some cargo rope…climb up the van and down the van and up and down again!

Why you ask? Well as practice to climb the wood wall of course…which was just more practice to climb the stacked wood pallets…and of course all that extra climbing practice wasn’t so helpful when we got to the Australian back-crawl climb…involves climbing on your back under the cargo net and up the ginormous hill without getting caught up by the high pressured water from the fire hose! Finally once learning the trick of lifting the net with your legs and pull yourself up…it was smooth pulling all the way to the slip and slide (I think this is where I may have broken my bumm a little…the ground underneath wasn’t so smooth)!

To be fair though…I am thankful for the clean water coming out of the fire hoses…help to clean off the geese poo and mucky gue that was squishing in my feet from the treacherous water obstacles! It’s an ADHD sensory pet peeve of mine…squishy feet with socks and shoes and all forms of poos!

But that’s of no matter now…I can see the finish line…smell the cut oranges for completion snack…can hear the clapping of the dwindled audience (3 hours is a bit long to wait round!)!

A few more easy peasy obstacles…or at least I took the easy way out…50 sit ups for skipping the claustrophobic crawl and monkey bars. Elizabeth I was listening when you said no obstacles pulling my weight with my arms…apparently boobie cancer likes that…so I did around 100 sit ups thru-out the day (I did complete 33 of the 37 obstacles…I did sit ups for the 4 skipped) still mission accomplished and to be proud of!!

Thru the car-wash shower…yep more clean water…and up the hay bales…around the corner and climb the inflatable slide and slide down and WOOOHOOO we done it and got the medal to prove it!!!  bad ass dash medal

Let’s waste no time having a celebratory drink and poutine…yep I cheated with a poutine and a beer!! And to be fair I earned the cheat and my body earned the days of rest it has been given…I think I’m even denting the couch for lack of movement!

Yes Michelle I will totally train for the next one…and let’s aim to beat our time by…10 mins seems reasonably fair…what do you think?


Retreat Often and Surrender Never!

I’ve just been updating and putting on posts from the last couple of weeks…but wanted to make sure I ended posts this week on a positive note!!!

As you may know I went away on a most fabulous 4 day spiritual retreat…truth is I was wanting to write about it as soon as I came back but got caught up in Mondays and business of other sorts. But, this retreat was so spectacular I need to share all its awemazements!

Firstly the drive was inspiring! I was able to formulate my new retirement plans, and visualize my creation of my new world. Little did I know that I would drive to a small town consisting of 600 people….a blink and you’ve missed it town for sure!

Once I pulled into the driveway, the host Victoria met me at the door and was superbly warm and welcoming. So, the theory behind this retreat was to explore the spiritual healing of the native people and beliefs. I am fascinated with the native beliefs and was happy to find this retreat:

Victoria showed me around the healing place, and allowed me time to settle in my little red cabin; set up my juicer in the outdoor kitchen; and time to breath in my new environment before inviting me for dinner! Her partner, Hugh McKenzie, was on dinner duty and made the most delicious goulash. It was a breath of fresh air to be sat in a house with everyone sitting together eating and chatting together!

My Little Red Cedar Cabin: This little red cedar cabin was super awesome…even has better foundation then my house! It was warm with a little electric little red cabin fireplace heater…but it had a real connection to nature and I slept like a baby for the 3 nights I was there.little red cabin





The Outdoor Kitchen: Was super amazing…I didn’t know what to expect when Victoria explained on the phone about the outdoor kitchen. It was outdoor kitchen most relaxing to be able to make juice and then drink it while looking at the sky and the trees. It was the first day there I met with Philip (Victoria’s nephew)outdoor kitchen




Chatting with Philip: I am thrilled to have met Philip, he was a true gentleman even though he is super young and merely 22 year old. He explained much of the native culture to me….as he was a drummer and also a sun-dancer….he also explained the concept of spiritual journey – which is to be put into the middle of the forest and fast for days while trying to gain a better understanding of your life! Philip is also engaged in crafty work and spends time making leather goods and beaded accessories – highly motivated, ambitious young man with a kind big heart….and wants a career in social services! Philip even did some healing drumming songs specific for me as an after dinner treat!

I send the message out to the greater universe that my ideal husband is the older version of Philip…..phhoooowwwwww as I blow the message out there….everyone think that for me with me too!!!

King David: This is Philip’s father and Victoria’s partner’s cousin, he was down from Ottawa on a visit. King David made me feel so welcomed and included me in the morning pipe ceremony the next day – just before he and Philip were leaving to go home. King David also made sure I went home with some gifts from him and nature…he gave me some sage and sweet-grass for my own smudging rituals!

Victoria: Spent some valuable time offering me relaxing treatments. Victoria’s expertise with healing massages left me feeling relaxed and more in-tune with my healthy self through-out the entire weekend. Victoria also arranged for some local neighbor friends to come over for a sharing circle…and also gave some time for woman supportive healing and strengthening drumming!

Mary New Couch and Rainbow Thunder Woman: Super awesome meeting you and sharing with you and offering support as well as feeling supported with you! I have been struggling with trusting to easily….but turns out that there are always good reasons to trust…and you guys are definitely good reasons! I look forward to meeting with you all again…perhaps in a year and we can all share the progress we have made and the new goals we hope to move towards!

Hugh McKenzie: Hugh is an awesome speaker of the truth and amazing artist! I spent some time learning about art and the patience needed and the positive outcomes with art therapy! Hugh plays a mean guitar too…..but really without his guidance I would not have completed this lovely piece of art for my moms! my art to mom



PS…Nyrad, I hope this makes up for my lacking appearance in the last couple weeks….and I will write about my PowWow Manitoulin trip next time!!


Look Ma…I’ve Got a New Leash In Life – Metaphorically Speaking Of Course

It almost feels like for the last 6 months I have been attached to a leash…a hose up my nose pumping me necessary oxygen. Since the whole lung collapse and then the thoracic surgery…my whole hospital stay I was leashed by oxygen and chest tubes.

I thought for sure I could do away with the leash by the time I got home…that is the impulsive impatient madness of ADHD. When I left the hospital in March…I assumed it would take a minor details weekend to bring my lungs back to inflated par!

Well…I couldn’t be more wrong and it took more long!! Turns out after the first weekend of bravely trying to save face…I was actually starving my body of much needed oxygen to heal…starving oxygen to even move from the bed to the couch!

So frantically I called half a dozen doctors from the hospital trying to get them to prescribe me oxygen -who knew you could randomly get a prescription for oxygen? Bless Dr Roberts and Dr Yuan for coming thru…faxing prescriptions and requesting delivery of oxygen machines to my house!!

Well it’s now June…and I’m happy to report that for the past week…I have been leash free – yeppers no oxygen leash during the day or at night! Oh the freedom to breathe free air freely…I might light a candle in celebration!!

Why write about a new leash on life you ask??

Well tonight is to be my last leash free night…forever – dah dah daaaaaah says Law and Order!

With everything that’s been going on…I’ve also been so lucky to have met and fallen in love with my destined soul mate. And for the first time…even though it’s the third time…I’m excited and fully happily engaged in planning our marriage and buying shared property!

My new leash on life…being tied down as a happy wife!!

Happy Birthday Brettshine – Soon as tomorrow you will take your place beside me as Spouse to Ruler of the Universe! Me Lovos You Muchos Muchos Muchos!! Just so you know I am still going to be the Majority Ruler!!!


Fuck You Off Cancer…I’m Living Life Larger!!

Here I sit after my 6th round of chemotherapy…my last round! After “careful” review by yet another new oncologist who doesn’t know much about me….except that I am crazy with ADHD and a funky monkey hat…it is agreed that I can stop with the chemical warfare and start with the chemical hormone treatment…it’s agreed I can start the hair regrowth process…it’s all about the hair these days!!baldingme.jul21

So…firstly first we shave the Benjamin button look and bring on the Sinead O’Connor wanna be style…thanks step-daughter for your shaving abilities and you really seemed to enjoy it…possible career choice here?!

As I think of how far I’ve come…finally being able to walk leash free and talk without feeling like I’m gasping for my last breath…which is actually the fault of chemotherapy – killer of cells good and bad! But…here I am moving onwards and upwards…and I think that much of my positive progress is due not only to my continued nutty healthy kick tricks but also due to my positive mental attitude!!!

So, the last couple of months has seen significant changes for me.   It shall now and forever be known as “Summer of 15”!

Where some would think about doom and gloom of a cancer diagnosis and feed into the blackness that is cancer…I have chosen to throw caution to the wind…well more so than usual that is!

I have chosen to…. Get Married…Become a Step-Mom…and Buy a new Matrimonial Home!!!

Now I realize if you have read my previous posts…the marriage and home buying don’t seem like such a big leaps in my life….EXCEPT this time it’s for REALSIES!!!

This time I’m in LOVE with the man I married…or actual more like agreed to be purchased for a handsome dowry of….3 goats, 3 sheep and 1 bunny!

This time I’m actually thrilled about planning my future and building our home that we bought together (with the aid of a proper qualified and knowledgeable home inspector).

This time I opened a joint bank account with my husband…and no we weren’t smoking joints at the time!

This time we actually got married in front of more witnesses then a stuffed monkey and chapel secretary…and this time we actually continued talking and are living together past the wedding ceremony!

So…yeppers that’s me saying “fuck you off cancer and I’m gonna live life bigger and better than before my diagnosis”…I’m not even worried or shamed when my new step daughter tells me that shaving my already balding hair will “freak” people out….or tells me that if I’m allowed to wear make-up I can draw in some eye brows! Aren’t children the sweetest little blessings full of innocence and honesty!!

But still she hangs out with me showing no embarrassment while we walk thru our new town and eat at our new local restaurant…and she even wants to do funny face pictures in front of everyone…takes the heat off my existing freaky funny face!!


Rolled A Mile In Another Man’s Wheelchair

Welcome back…again! It’s been a while since my last post, sometimes it seems like life gets in the way of free writing time…which is ironic as I often try to write about life!  Its the ADHD that leads me astray and brings me back to lead me astray again!

Anyhow, enough random gibber jabber and let’s get on with today’s point of view!

Recently, I was granted the precious opportunity to experience life rolling around in a wheelchair…and a deeper understanding of how sometime the clearly mentally lucid is often mistaken for the “special needed yellow bus window licker”. I will admit I am not often lucid and find the windows to have an acquired but fancy taste!

Here is my wheelchair cruising story and a pic or two to help you see and understand better:

So, I took my cousins and husband on a road trip to New York…it was sort of like a paki-style honeymoon with escorts and all! I decided to take a wheelchair to ensure that we could see all of New York City – as I am still recovering from the lung gluing chemical warfare ordeal!

Anyhow, it was a brilliant idea…especially since we also decided to bring a brood family of toys represent the family…because we couldn’t bring the kids we decided to behave like children!IMG_20151018_061927




So now picture a crazy lady being pushed around the busy streets of New York with a sock monkey hat and toys in the lap….here’s some help with that picture cropped excited




It’s amazing that even with all the hustle bustle busyness of the New York streets and the theory that the New Yorkians would be rushed to get places….they all seemed so politely willing to make room for the special lady in the wheelchair and her escorts…they all gave the look of

“Well aren’t they good Samaritans to take that special crazy lady out for the evening!!”

Anyhow, so the main point of this post is really about having a better understanding of when you lose that ability and control of being able to stop and go and look at whatever you want…when the control is handed over to another, you suddenly become aware of all the things you tend to miss when walking thru life!

Though I am super grateful for everyone that took the time and energy to stroll me around…and we did get around!  We stayed right in Time’s Square…and we toured to Empire State Building; All the Hop On/Hopp Off Bus Tours; Wall Street; Little Italy; China Town; History Museum; and Illustrators Society Museum!

It was just a little lonely when left alone while pictures were being taken without me!IMG-20151019-WA000




Or when conversations are happening around me but I am not actually a part of them…converse without me

Or when the overly concerned New Yorkian is concerned that the wheelchair is

“Not suitable for the little boy and the fracture he might have…”

Sorry we didn’t get the chance to get a picture of him…but he was quick to point out that it was not my escorts’ faults and really…

“New York should have provided a better wheelchair with bigger wheels and better New York streets to roll upon…so as not to further damage the little boy and the fracture if that is what he has!”

I promise from this point on to make a better effort to actively include anyone I might be pushing in a wheelchair in the future…and also make the big effort to get back to my own long distance walking ways!!!


Psychologically Damaged Or Bonused…Either Way Bring On 2016!!!

Time of need or time of want or just anytime…Zougy seems to be there for me!Though we may even be squabbling now…and though he can be ignorantly narcissistically self absorbed at times (can you guess by my tone this is indeed one of those times?!)…but no matter what he still comes back around to taking care of me! For that I luuuurve him dearly and will tolerate his selfish flaws and give him this beginning part of the post! It is a man’s business after all to flare his narcissism muscles once in awhile!

Back to me now….it was this time last year that I was losing the battle with the chest fluid…actually it was just after boxing day last year when I noticed the short shortness of breath and the odd taste of chalky chest fluid in my mouth. That was the same day I first slept over at Zougy’s parents house…after spending Christmas with his family…and the day I ended up sleeping for 18 hours and Zougy thought it would be nice for his kids to wake me up so I could meet his children for the first time!

It was a matter of weeks after that which would see me landed in the hospital for the month with those nasty tubes coming out of my chest…not taped like a fancy halloween costume but actually inserted through my skin and muscles right into the chest cavity. This was also the time Zougy…and many others…showed their true colours of love for me! I had ample visitors every day…my friends would rotate to ensure I was never alone! My Zougy came everyday after work to make sure I had healthy food and would cuddle with me on the bed until the nurse kicked him out claiming end of visiting hours!

Though I don’t ever want to experience that again…admittedly it is something that gave me humility and humbleness…a deeper understanding of the fragileness of life and the importance of recognizing and appreciating love always!

I was blessed to have such wonderful nurses who enjoyed my company not to take blood or samples but to actually engage in a laugh or two!

I had a most amazing team of doctors – respirologist Dr Roberts…and Palliative Care Dr Yuan…Who visited with me everyday! They didn’t have to but again it was about sharing laughs and appreciations instead of complaints and demands…and oncologist Dr Kassam was pretty cool too!

Then I was released just in time for the return of my mom from overseas…who didn’t know anything was wrong and left at a time when I was a-ok and still going to work! She came home to find me leashed up to the oxygen and accepting the chemical warfare chemotherapy I swore I wouldn’t.

Bless her sweet soul fore although she mismanaged her frustration in the beginning…she soon came around and took on the “let’s have a laugh and beat this fuckeroo down and here is what I learned from Dr Google today” approach with me!

You all must be wondering what is the point of walking down this memory lane eh?

Well it would seem that with my ADHD…I am either psychologically damaged or psychologically bonused or bi-polarly both!

Over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling a tightness in my chest…a shortness of breath not there before the cold winter air arrived…and sharp pains in the muscles by my ribs where the tubes came out!

My massage therapist (Marilyn Dart from Platinum Spa in Keswick…you are absotutely amazing and opened up my breathing in ways no medicine could and brought me relaxation in abundance) said she also noticed a slight tightness but nowhere near where I was last year!

Zougy keeps saying it is psychological cause this time last year I was all hooked up and stuff and maybe my crazy is just associating cold snow with chest tubes!

Back in the summer, I used to yell at people from my car as I watched them walk around or run to catch a door with all their hair and ease and comfort without the oxygen tank or nose leash and shite.

And this is where my ADHD psychological bonus comes in…I persevered thru thick and thin despite the Doctors believing I was stuck on the oxygen for life…I built back my lung capacity…I played with that stupid blow the ball up game 8 times a day…did my deep breathing and exhale thru pursed lips exercises every moment I got! And I slowly but surely noticed when I was finally able to return the oxygen tank to the nay-sayers…throw out the nose leash…and walk unassisted around the block without stopping (no matter that it took 30 mins to walk the whole 500 feet)

But back is that snivelling anxiety…that sitting in the car and wondering if I can make it to the door. I find myself yawning on purpose just to ensure I can catch and keep that deep breath! I feel myself struggle in the mornings and at times worry that I won’t make it up the stairs at bedtime!

I check my oxygen intake several times a day…99 or 98 or 97 is what comes up…that is the percentage my body is taking in oxygen and also apparently the percentage of truth that I may be psychologically damaged!

So to end this post…and this year…I task my ADHD psychologically bonused self to beat out the mo-fooing ADHD psychologically damaged self….right out the ass and off any planes of existence…and take with you the cancerous fuckaroo!!

Happy New Year To Everyone…I wish you all Peace and Joy and Love and Health and Positivity and Prosperity for the new year and many more years to come!

Onwards and Upwards!!!






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