ADHD Made Me Do It

Survive Life with Laughter

Happy 20th Anniversary and Thanks for the Divorce!

on July 27, 2014

Here it is…the muchly anticipated step by step story of my first marriage…perhaps it is only me that has been waiting to write and publish this post! It’s hard to believe it’s been 20 years since my first marriage. It’s amazing how the time seems to have flown by…yet I seem to have accomplished so much…like arrests, a second marriage, bought and sold houses, lived in 3 countries, travelled loads…and starving and beating greedy bastard cancer!!

Truthfully, I have all these accomplishments because I took my divorce and ran! As far as mistakes go…well this one was a whopper…but being so early in my life….it was also easier to get over and plan a new!

So, how does one so young (though I know 19 isn’t so young…it isn’t life experienced either) end up married…and then divorced a year later….to a man 10 years her senior and known to her for only 5 days?

Step One: Finally muster the courage to leave the previous abusive relationship of 3 years…..broken confidence and broken heart but thankfully no broken bones. I suppose everyone has their final breaking point….and though I seemed able and willing to tolerate a lot…..uttering death threats and a physical fight in public is where I drew the line (I assure you that line is much closer now and does not include toleration of violence or abuse in any way). Finally I make the move…run to the neighbours and call my mom to pick me up….meanwhile my belongings are packed in garbage bags and tossed on the front lawn (put out or get out the main message received loud and clear)

Step Two: Bless my mom’s soul….she didn’t bat an eye when I called her and she showed up in mere minutes with the car empty and ready for my belongings…it seemed of no matter to her that I was out of her house for over 3 years at this point. In her infinite wisdom of life experiences….my mom drives me straight to the hospital where I can be thoroughly examined.

Step Three: Thank the new rules implemented that once a domestic situation arrives at the hospital…the police are immediately called….and so my mom reports…loud enough for the entire hospital to hear…that I am a domestic situation. Course I should’ve known my mom was bordering that desperation to see me get married as well…..since she also tried to ask the doctor out for me (clearly he wants to get involve in the drama that is my domestic situation while he assesses for physical damage….who doesn’t love a good drama and damaged baggage?)

Step Four: Now that I have made the jump to leave the relationship…I have to follow through with the responsibilities of domestic situation clean up!(offload the damage and save the empty baggage for good life fillings). I take my broken confidence to court…..not only where half my high-school is sitting in the audience (seems my high-school had a lot of little criminals in court that day)….but also where I have to listen to the continued death threats of the dip-shit I used to call boyfriend. Finally they call out our case…and I am all prepared to testify (I’ve done this before and know what is expected)…but then I hear that there is no testifying to be done after hours of waiting in embarrassment! Turns out he plead down for a lower sentence….he seems to be a rat snitching dip-shit that ratted his friends out on a bunch of neighbourhood B&Es in exchange for a reduced sentence on the assault charges (sometimes one crime will pay for that other crime and you think you can walk away even steven in the eyes of the law….but karma seems to have much better equalized vision and a much larger reach then the arms of the law)!

Step Five: Having done and dealt with the courts and now living back at my parent’s….and it seems that my mom is still focusing on the getting me coupled off. I believe this is the first time I am made the community project (although I have learned from this….my mom seems to continue to seek out support from the community for my marriaging project). She and her neighbor at the time come up with the master plan and the perfect coupling offer…..in New York, USA.

Step Six: Why not take a road-trip to New York?! I could use the break away and my mom could use the break away…and this guy could use the company of some frustrated women. So off we go to New York and we meet Ahmad (my soon to be husband/asshole divorced)…nice enough and plays perfect gentleman tour-guide…he resembled Slater from “Saved by the Bell” tv show and so clearly made for good eye candy – Mario Lopez, I hope you’re not as ignorant as this asshole in real life! We arrived on the Thursday and he took us around and kept up appearances all the way until Monday…..I even have pics of us touring around at the Twin Towers (be keeping those for the novelty of it….something to tell my grandkids about)

Step Seven: Monday arrives and before I consciously know it….I’m at New York City Hall registering for a marriage certificate…and then off to the local mosque for a signing of the dowry book…I’m worth a gold dinar, a fully furnished house, and a random cash amount…(I should’ve really considered goats and bunnies and maybe it would’ve gone better!) So after the signing of the dowry book comes one of the quickest wedding ceremonies I have ever seen! Of course I am referring to quick in the sense that the wedding happened after a mere 4 day courtship…..and also that the ceremony of love was actually only 20 minutes long and we were in our Monday best clothes of jeans and t-shirts (I was actually wearing tights which was the fashion at the time!)

Step Eight: So, the typical arab man….my new husband…..decides to take me shopping for a new dress…cause the reception party requires fancy dress?! Walking the isles of Bloomingdales…and I spot the dress of royalty….a nice purple silk number! And now we are all decked out and ready for the small reception….I mean small in the way that only my immediate family, the neighbours and 2 of his friends were at the Middle Eastern Restaurant! It would seem that getting married in the local Mosque was simply for show purposes….considering how he was slamming back the vodka drinks at the restaurant…and staggered out of the restaurant and into the apartment….and passed out after attempting to get jiggy with me (all it took was one push off from me cause really I hadn’t known him that long and he was snoring on the other side of the bed)!

Step Nine: I think for him, this step was the most releasing….for me it was the most telling! This is when he decides that he now has a new clutch to cling to and a new reason to blame his sorry existence on. Sadly, I wasn’t the quiet, broken, disheveled shy type of arab woman…I wasn’t willing to take on his problems for the sake of a marriage based on a 4 day courtship! So, the fighting began….he awoke the next morning…clearly hung-over….and tells me “you are the reason I drink and smoke so much”. Whaaaa????….come on now….I can only take some responsibility for the past 4 days…the previous 29 years is all him and his choices…my magical powers are not time travelling kind! I should’ve figured from that point it was pointless and marched back to the City Hall for an annulment…..but no….me and my social services give someone umpteen tries and lets be friends and work it out…..and I’m moved to Harlem, New York for the next 3 months trying to figure out how to get out!!

Step Ten: Finally, we come to terms like adults that this is not workable….we are in different stages in life…and different places in love….and different countries in citizenship! He wants a family immediately….and I aim to finish high-school (yes it took me that little longer to recoil from my mistakes but I did graduate high-school and college too….got my grad pics and diplomas to prove it!) So, we decide it’s got to end….and off I go back to Canada….technically I abandon him (can you believe New York will not allow irreconcilable differences as a grounds for divorce?) I move to a small small quiet little mostly senior citizen town to complete high-school….cause I already learned big city not good for little me!

Step Eleven: Having moved back to Canada….and starting to put my life back on the right track…I thought it would be ok to be friends with my estranged husband….wrong on that one is an understatement! He again put the gentleman face on…and said he was understanding and ok with my leaving and wanting to live a different life then what he had planned for himself….and so perhaps we could remain friends (yes it was him that asked to remain friends….and me that thought we could pull it off like adults) Turns out…he still wanted to control me as if we were still married and building a life together….and when I moved in with another man (strictly platonic relationship with a man and his brother renting a room in their house)….asshole Arab man face came back out to play!

Step Twelve: Finally the time has come for divorce papers…as you recall there is no “irreconcilable difference” grounds…so we have to wait an entire year separation and the time has finally arrived. Since then….I have also been vigilantly achieving my high school credits and am one semester away from full OSSD graduation! I receive divorce papers in the mail…..he has so kindly done them up with the help of a lawyer…and done them up in such a way that makes me look like such a horrible person. He explains that he wants a divorce on the grounds that “I would not sleep with him on his birthday; I yelled at him; and I was physically abusive to him” It should be noted here that I didn’t sleep with him at all….I don’t yell at people for no reason….and I most certainly don’t abuse people considering the relationship I came out of just before this one!!

Step Thirteen: I refuse to sign the papers and request an appointment time with a New York lawyer to actually draw up honest and reasonable divorce papers. Turns out the real issue was that he didn’t want to give up any money in the divorce…and if he just asked…I didn’t want to take any money either! See me the social services type….I didn’t earn any money with a long standing marriage or children or anything (not even the dowry was I after)….just a crazy week and that shouldn’t be rewarded with money! So…we get to the lawyers and we get a set of divorce papers signed that isn’t based on lies or degradation of the each other! Divorce papers came in the mail…endorsed and final around September 16, 1995….and that was a whopper of a divorce party!

Step Fourteen: Now I know you are thinking that the last step should’ve been the last step….but I’m ADHD and like to go the extra mile sometimes! This is when we figured we could be friends….I mean we gave it a good effort to be friends. He sent me a plane ticket to come out the January 1996…just to hang out as friends and get past all the ugliness that transpired the year before! So, I took the ticket and my positivity and flew out for a mini vacation (the reward for following through with my high-school goal)! As soon as I arrived…he was sweet gentleman like and let’s go out for dinner and stuff….which quickly turned sour jealousman type! He took me to a lovely Italian restaurant for dinner….and a lecture on how “I was not a good person and must be a slut because I live with a male roommate and I should be more respectful of him”. I reminded him that we recently signed divorce papers…and I was being as respectful to him as he earned and deserved…and my living arrangements were of no matter to him (I may have also at this point told him to kiss my ass)…to which he took more offence and actually threatened to blow my head off in this busy Italian restaurant. With all the awkward staring at this point…I thought it best to just request the cheque and I walked out with my head held high. He seems to have figured that he upset me…and so he sat in the car outside the restaurant for almost an hour trying to convince me to go out and play pool or bowling or something to let him know we were friends again…..clearly I refused….respect my ass!!

As my adulthood started after this phase of relationship nonsense….these are the most important lessons learned:

I learned that when travelling to meet someone…be sure to know of alternative living arrangements should things not work out! After we got back to his apartment from the restaurant, I tried to book a flight out for the next day….but was actually stuck for 3 days in New York during the blizzard of 1996 (I even tried to rent a bicycle with no luck) So….there we were both in his apartment not even able to sit on the same couch with each other.

I learned that a relationship shouldn’t be rushed and if there isn’t commonalities now…there won’t be any in the future…..and looks are good for a time….communication is good for the eternity….take the time to communicate about the consistency in commitment to life, love, values, and religious beliefs!

I learned that it usually doesn’t work out when the boy says he wants to be friends…usually means he wants the girl to pine over him…miss him…and beg for his return…and then gets angry when none of that actually happens!

So….to end on a bit of a positive note…..though we have not spoken or seen each other since….I have heard that he has achieved his family life with a new wife….and well I have achieved many other great things and just now ready to get on with the family life as a wife…third time is going to be my charm!!!

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